Don'ts and Dos

DON'Ts

Wishing me a happy Christmas and a Happy New Year 

To me it sounds like a mokery, because this is the time of the year when I lost my best half - Alberto. It's like you wished me "Happy All Souls Day".

The fastest this period of the year passes, the best. 

Ask me "how are you"

Tired and depressed. The same as I've been for almost 8 years. This year more than ever. 

Nobody and nothing can "undo" Alberto's death, my mum stroke, the lost of my jobs and all the rest that happened and keeps happening to me. 

Give me presents

I already have many presents that I cannot share with Alberto, and I don't need others. 

If you really want to give me something or comfort me you can... 

DOs

Give me money or useful things

My bank account IBAN will change in 2021, although any money transfer to the old one will be automatically deposited in the new one. 

Here's the new one:

IBAN - IT89 X030 6963 9091 0000 0003 864

And if you don't like to give money as a "present", here's my Amazon's wish list: 

https://www.amazon.it/hz/wishlist/dl/invite/bfNUYzB?ref_=wl_share

Chat and talk about Star Trek or Doctor Who

These fictional universes and their fandoms are probably the only things that can cheer me up. I can talk and debate about them without thinking about my reality and that improves my mood.

Tell me what you wish me to do if I'll be elected among STIC-AL's "bridge officers" 

The club is definitely the only thing that truly keeps me going on. My wish is to transfor the "Admiralty" into a museum of Trek History in Italy and to care for all the STIC-AL members, old and new, because... as I said many times, you are the children Alberto and I never had. And it's time to act like a "mum" again. 

Thank you, to you all. Always. 

Who cares?

Sometimes, often, like today, and ten days ago, and last month...

Sometimes I wonder how can I fight my depression if my "me-time" is non existent. And actually when in my "me-time" I want to do absolutely nothing bit staring at the ceiling or at the sky crying out loud because Alberto is not here with me.

I also often wonder if that kind of "me-time" is indeed my depression, and if I could fight it engaging in diy hobbies, writing, reading, knitting, sewing, socialising, doing home chores, spending time for burocracy and bills, tending to the garden, caring for my mum.

Usually the doubt fades away because I am forced to do some of the thing I mentioned - specifically mum, home, burocracy.

In the end I do what my sense of responsibility calls me to do. But all the time (even when it comes to hobbies) it's not what I want to do (which is... staring and crying).

So here I am, wondering again... But this time with another thought crossing my mind - who cares? I certainly don't. Deep down I feel that all these brooding, all these feelings, my whole life, will (sooner or later) be over and I will stop staring, crying and wondering. 

I am older than I'd like to be

A nice stream of sunny days had been a "cure-all" for my neck pains.

One of my dear friends gave me money to be spent on those little things I've postponed for ages (i.e. new eyeglasses).

I finally found pleasure in reading books again. 

But then... Bad luck struck!

Stomach ache returned, and this time it cannot be gallbladder problems because I have no gallbladder anymore.

And my right hand wrist is starting to suffer the same pains of my left writs (due to a mild arthrosis)... and me being right-handed this time is really annoying!

Finally... heat flashes have worsened - now I have at leaat ten/fifteen per day, lasting over 5 minutes each.

So... Winter is coming, for the weather and for me. 

13 Agosto

Buon compleanno, mio primo, unico e ultimo amore. 

I crave the silence

Another long, sleepless night is coming.

The noise of my mom"s electric fan will accompany me until dawn and beyond.

Every single night is the same and that's why I crave the silence of my own bed, where the only sound I hear is the soft murmur of crickets. 

Counselling #1

First day of (again) professional counselling. I hope this time will last more than the last, but I'm confident. Not because I have new hopes in my life, but because of the Covid-19 pandemic, counselling is now also be available with online sessions on Google Meet, so I won't have to cut short my therapy because I cannot leave house for more than two hours!

After hearing what my problems are, my therapist wants to ascertain if I have indeed clinical depression - so I'll be tested properly for this. But in any case one suggestion is that I have to cut some time for me, really just for me and none else. Easier said than done, of course, because I really don't know where to start to avoid distractions and interruptions and live an hour or two totally and exclusively thinking about my well being.

The tunnel has collapsed

I see no light at the end, because there is no light anymore.

Of the judgement below I understand only two things (and I'm not sure I understand correctly) - Mauro Enea "won" his case because of the long time needed to conclude trials in Italy and he is not been condamned for the most part of his crimes because they "expired". 

And the other thing is that, the decision is once again postponed for him to be condemned for the part not yet "expired".

Here's the text in Italian:

Corte Suprema di Cassazione.

Si invia esito udienza secondo quanto disposto dall'art. 83, comma 12 ter, d.l. 18/2020:

ANNULLA SENZA RINVIO LA SENTENZA IMPUGNATA LIMITATAMENTE ALLE CONDOTTE ANTERIORI AL 16 SETTEMBRE 2012, PERCHÉ I REATI SONO ESTINTI PER PRESCRIZIONE. ANNULLA LA SENTENZA IMPUGNATA, CON RINVIO AD ALTRA SEZIONE DELLA CORTE DI APPELLO DI TRIESTE, LIMITATAMENTE ALLA SUSSISTENZA DELL'AGGRAVANTE PREVISTA DALL'ART. 61 N.7 COD. PEN.,ALLA RIDETERMINAZIONE DELLA PENA E ALLA QUANTIFICAZIONE DEL DANNO. DICHIARA INAMMISSIBILE NEL RESTO IL RICORSO E DICHIARA IRREVOCABILE L'AFFERMAZIONE DI RESPONSABILITÀ PER LE CONDOTTE APPROPRIATIVE COMMESSE DAL 16 SETTEMBRE 2012.

SPESE DELLA PARTE CIVILE AL DEFINITIVO.

The following is the text in English. Sorry for the bad translation, but I used Google - I barely understand it in Italian, not to mention translating into English!

"Supreme Court of Cassation.

 The outcome of the hearing is sent in accordance with the provisions of art.  83, paragraph 12 ter, legislative decree  18/2020:

 CANCEL WITHOUT POSTPONING THE JUDGMENT CONCERNED LIMITED TO THE CONDUCTS BEFORE 16 SEPTEMBER 2012, BECAUSE THE OFFENSES ARE EXTINCTION BY PRESCRIPTION.  CANCEL THE CONTESTED JUDGMENT, WITH REFERRAL TO ANOTHER SECTION OF THE COURT OF APPEAL OF TRIESTE, LIMITED TO THE EXISTENCE OF THE AGGRAVANTE PROVIDED FOR BY ART.  61 N.7 COD.  PEN., TO THE RESTORATION OF THE PENALTY AND THE QUANTIFICATION OF THE DAMAGE.  THE APPLICATION IS INADMISSIBLE IN THE REST AND ITS IRREVOCABLE DECLARATION OF LIABILITY FOR THE APPROPRIATE CONDUCTS COMMITTED FROM 16 SEPTEMBER 2012.

 EXPENDITURE OF THE CIVIL PARTY TO THE FINAL."

Now... Let's sum it up...

I will not be repaid in full of the money he stole from Alberto and me.

I will see some money, at best in a couple of years.

With less money I will not be able to transform this house into the "museum" I wanted and in time it will rotten due to humidity and mice and rats. 

I will probably end up barely repaying my new financial advisor and my lawyer.

The worst part is... that I will not be able to repay friends and family who lent me money for the house.

So... if I understand the judgment correctly, my half-a-life has now become no-life!

My focus on positivity is totally lost. I already needed help for my ongoing depression, now I'll seek help for trying not to give up. Some people depends on my presence in this world, and two cats too.

Please, if what I understood is correct, don't try and console me: on this Earth there is no consolation for this injustice.

I just need to forget all this and keep on trying staying alive.

Sunny but freezing

It's July, but the weather seems to be stuck in April. Sun is shining again after days of uncertain rain but the temperature is still mild. 

I feel like going out and basking in the sun, but as I open the window a light, fresh breeze comes in. It feels chilly on my old bones.

So, sun basking is not an option. I would love to have a closed sunroom, but alas I have 12 euro in my bank account, and I don't think I would find a sunroom for that price! 

I truly hope August will bring at least a month of hot, hot, hot sunny days. At least one month before another winter of pain, but I am starting to be a true pessimist and I thus expect just other weeks of mild temperatures and rains. 

Biorhythms

I'm yearning for the moment when I will live with my own timing. When I'll not wake up suddenly because my mother calls me to warn me that my cat is wandering around inside the house. When I'll not try to regain  sleep just to be woken up suddenly by an unrequired phone call.
I yearn to be able to fight my depression on my own term.
But, alas, my pessimist side is telling me that I'll be able to do that only when I'll have no need to wake up again.

Inadequacy and guilt

My mom has an iPad, while I have an Android and I don't understand how an iPad works, and I don't know how to help her when she ask me to fix some bugs. 

Alberto would have known how to fix the bugs, but unfortunately is not here. I feel so inadequate because I'm not smart enough, I'm not smart as Alberto was. 

And I also feel guilty about not being as smart as Alberto was. Not just because I can't help my mum with her iPad, but also, and most importantly, because I'm letting Alberto down - he would have not been proud of me today. 

Depression, as usual

Today is the seventh day that the weather has temperatures above 26°C, ideal for me.

But today I'm so depressed that I have no will to do the many things I have to do.

I know I will feel guilty tomorrow, for not having exploided today's good weather, but... alas, I don't have the strenght, nor physical nor mental, to force myself out of bed.

So... I'll lay dawn all day and let the rest be gone.

After all... who cares? 

A very nice surprise

I cried a couple of hours, tears of joy and pain, then I found the thread of my thoughts and remember a convention on the shores of the Tirreno Sea and an alliance between the Klingon Empire and the Federation...

Thank you for the phone call, Antonio and your friendship. 

----------

E dopo un paio d'ore di lacrime miste di gioia e dolore, riesco a riprendere il filo dei pensieri e mi ritrovo a ricordare una convention in riva al Tirreno e un patto tra Impero Klingon e Federazione...

Grazie per la telefonata, Antonio, e per la tua amicizia. 

Personal Log, 198706.14 - Excerpt

... and I start from the moment when, once I bought my ticket, I was about to enter the movie theatre. I hear a voice behind me: "I know that insigna!" I turn around anda a guy is smiling staring at the Starfleet Captain symbol I wear on my black basque. "Starfleet, obviously!" I say and so I find out that he is Alberto Lisiero, admiral of the Star Trek Italian Club!! At last!! At last!! My mind exploded: I found the entrance door, I'm about to go in Starfleet! I am not alone anymore!! I take the chance to talk to him, about many things!

I feel privileged

Pardon me if I'll be brutal...

I've told these things before in this sparselly written blog of mine - I'm in a sort of "quarantine" since years now.
- my mum needs my attention 24/7 at home;
- I usually go out just for buying food, medicines or go to the bank or post office;
- I work from home the very few jobs I can find;
- basically I'm living with my mother's social allowance;
- it's been ages since I've hung out with friends regularly.

But... even if my situation has been like this for at least five year and this emergency will postpone the final chapter of my long trial tribulations, I feel highly privileged:
- my house is mine (thanks to my friends and family help), no mortgage, no rent;
- I have a huge private garden where I can go for a walk and two wonderful cats to keep me company;
- I am "officially" unemployed and poor, and although I cannot access any benefit, I have no impelling tax to pay.

But most of all...

Being labelled as "poors" because we have less than 5000 euro in our bank/postal accounts, my mother and me have access to some services:
- volunteers delivery food and medicines at home if we need it;
- my municipality gave us some food for free (flour, milk, canned vegetables, pasta, rise, jams and so on);
- my bills are reduced by a small percentage (not much, but it's welcome anyway).

Alberto always taught me to always see the bright side of things, so even if the Covid-19 pandemic is a terrible, terrible catastrophe, it somehow makes me feel pampered.

Personal Log, 201301.22 - Excerpt

I'm happy about the Inside issue dedicated to you, my Alberto. You probably would say it's too much, but I really believe you deserve it. Who, more than you, did so much for Star Trek? You devoted your life to STIC as I devoted my life to you!
I know it's easy to dedicate your life to something you love, just as it's been easy for me to dedicate my life to you.
Now I just have to be strong enough to "be you" and go on like you never left me.

Personal Log 201301.14 - Excerpt

I know it's a selfish thing to say, but I wish I could swap with Alberto: he would be in pain, but he'd carry on better than I do.

Alberto and I were one identity, one soul, one person... But burocracy wants to divide us at all costs, making us two estranged people, like our shared life never happened.

I feel rage, because Alberto had been betrayed by someone who told him he admired us. Our financial advisor never paid our taxes and now I have to pay it. I feel rage because someone betrayed Alberto's trust, his infinite goodness, his transparency.

Oh, my great love, you've been a miracle in my life and I hope - after all this - to be able to live as you wanted me to live...

Personal Log, 201301.07 - Excerpt

The thing that I wish more than anything is not let everything Alberto created fade into nothingness. I helped him, it was my life as much as his.

I realise now that there will be many things I'll have to do alone,  things that we planned to do together...
To plant the little Christmas tree...
To watch the new Star Trek movie to see if we were right about the villain...
To clean the new photocamera...
To make a voyage just me and him...
I will do all those things, for him, but it won't be the same. I feel so tired and empty...

Personal Log, 201301.04 - Excerpt

This is the first day of my life without Alberto - his body now rests in the cemetery in San Michele al Tagliamento.

This morning, as I was about to lay to rest the love of my life - the only man I ever had (and the only one I will ever have) - I thought I  could not smile, let alone keep on living. And yet... All our friends supported me just by being there, and they were so many!
Once I read that a shared pain diminishes, a shared joy multiplies. Today I had proof of that.

One last think I want to write lest to forget - thanks to Marcello, Alberto has been accompained out of the church on the notes of Amazin Grace. Wherever he is, Alberto will be glad!