Counselling #1

First day of (again) professional counselling. I hope this time will last more than the last, but I'm confident. Not because I have new hopes in my life, but because of the Covid-19 pandemic, counselling is now also be available with online sessions on Google Meet, so I won't have to cut short my therapy because I cannot leave house for more than two hours!

After hearing what my problems are, my therapist wants to ascertain if I have indeed clinical depression - so I'll be tested properly for this. But in any case one suggestion is that I have to cut some time for me, really just for me and none else. Easier said than done, of course, because I really don't know where to start to avoid distractions and interruptions and live an hour or two totally and exclusively thinking about my well being.

The tunnel has collapsed

I see no light at the end, because there is no light anymore.

Of the judgement below I understand only two things (and I'm not sure I understand correctly) - Mauro Enea "won" his case because of the long time needed to conclude trials in Italy and he is not been condamned for the most part of his crimes because they "expired". 

And the other thing is that, the decision is once again postponed for him to be condemned for the part not yet "expired".

Here's the text in Italian:

Corte Suprema di Cassazione.

Si invia esito udienza secondo quanto disposto dall'art. 83, comma 12 ter, d.l. 18/2020:

ANNULLA SENZA RINVIO LA SENTENZA IMPUGNATA LIMITATAMENTE ALLE CONDOTTE ANTERIORI AL 16 SETTEMBRE 2012, PERCHÉ I REATI SONO ESTINTI PER PRESCRIZIONE. ANNULLA LA SENTENZA IMPUGNATA, CON RINVIO AD ALTRA SEZIONE DELLA CORTE DI APPELLO DI TRIESTE, LIMITATAMENTE ALLA SUSSISTENZA DELL'AGGRAVANTE PREVISTA DALL'ART. 61 N.7 COD. PEN.,ALLA RIDETERMINAZIONE DELLA PENA E ALLA QUANTIFICAZIONE DEL DANNO. DICHIARA INAMMISSIBILE NEL RESTO IL RICORSO E DICHIARA IRREVOCABILE L'AFFERMAZIONE DI RESPONSABILITÀ PER LE CONDOTTE APPROPRIATIVE COMMESSE DAL 16 SETTEMBRE 2012.

SPESE DELLA PARTE CIVILE AL DEFINITIVO.

The following is the text in English. Sorry for the bad translation, but I used Google - I barely understand it in Italian, not to mention translating into English!

"Supreme Court of Cassation.

 The outcome of the hearing is sent in accordance with the provisions of art.  83, paragraph 12 ter, legislative decree  18/2020:

 CANCEL WITHOUT POSTPONING THE JUDGMENT CONCERNED LIMITED TO THE CONDUCTS BEFORE 16 SEPTEMBER 2012, BECAUSE THE OFFENSES ARE EXTINCTION BY PRESCRIPTION.  CANCEL THE CONTESTED JUDGMENT, WITH REFERRAL TO ANOTHER SECTION OF THE COURT OF APPEAL OF TRIESTE, LIMITED TO THE EXISTENCE OF THE AGGRAVANTE PROVIDED FOR BY ART.  61 N.7 COD.  PEN., TO THE RESTORATION OF THE PENALTY AND THE QUANTIFICATION OF THE DAMAGE.  THE APPLICATION IS INADMISSIBLE IN THE REST AND ITS IRREVOCABLE DECLARATION OF LIABILITY FOR THE APPROPRIATE CONDUCTS COMMITTED FROM 16 SEPTEMBER 2012.

 EXPENDITURE OF THE CIVIL PARTY TO THE FINAL."

Now... Let's sum it up...

I will not be repaid in full of the money he stole from Alberto and me.

I will see some money, at best in a couple of years.

With less money I will not be able to transform this house into the "museum" I wanted and in time it will rotten due to humidity and mice and rats. 

I will probably end up barely repaying my new financial advisor and my lawyer.

The worst part is... that I will not be able to repay friends and family who lent me money for the house.

So... if I understand the judgment correctly, my half-a-life has now become no-life!

My focus on positivity is totally lost. I already needed help for my ongoing depression, now I'll seek help for trying not to give up. Some people depends on my presence in this world, and two cats too.

Please, if what I understood is correct, don't try and console me: on this Earth there is no consolation for this injustice.

I just need to forget all this and keep on trying staying alive.

Sunny but freezing

It's July, but the weather seems to be stuck in April. Sun is shining again after days of uncertain rain but the temperature is still mild. 

I feel like going out and basking in the sun, but as I open the window a light, fresh breeze comes in. It feels chilly on my old bones.

So, sun basking is not an option. I would love to have a closed sunroom, but alas I have 12 euro in my bank account, and I don't think I would find a sunroom for that price! 

I truly hope August will bring at least a month of hot, hot, hot sunny days. At least one month before another winter of pain, but I am starting to be a true pessimist and I thus expect just other weeks of mild temperatures and rains. 

Biorhythms

I'm yearning for the moment when I will live with my own timing. When I'll not wake up suddenly because my mother calls me to warn me that my cat is wandering around inside the house. When I'll not try to regain  sleep just to be woken up suddenly by an unrequired phone call.
I yearn to be able to fight my depression on my own term.
But, alas, my pessimist side is telling me that I'll be able to do that only when I'll have no need to wake up again.

Inadequacy and guilt

My mom has an iPad, while I have an Android and I don't understand how an iPad works, and I don't know how to help her when she ask me to fix some bugs. 

Alberto would have known how to fix the bugs, but unfortunately is not here. I feel so inadequate because I'm not smart enough, I'm not smart as Alberto was. 

And I also feel guilty about not being as smart as Alberto was. Not just because I can't help my mum with her iPad, but also, and most importantly, because I'm letting Alberto down - he would have not been proud of me today. 

Depression, as usual

Today is the seventh day that the weather has temperatures above 26°C, ideal for me.

But today I'm so depressed that I have no will to do the many things I have to do.

I know I will feel guilty tomorrow, for not having exploided today's good weather, but... alas, I don't have the strenght, nor physical nor mental, to force myself out of bed.

So... I'll lay dawn all day and let the rest be gone.

After all... who cares?