Thursday 12 September 2019

Decisions, decisions...

As you know, I have been thinking about leaving my house for good, the house that hosted my "whole" life with Alberto...

But... First of all to go where? I'm sure I'll be able to temporarily stay with family or friends, but that would not be a new life on my own. 
Second... Even if I move to another place, that place would never be big enough to contain all the memories I need to hold on to.
Third... this is the very first home Alberto and I shared, and I want it to be the last I live in.

The more I think the more I want to stay. This house and everything inside means so much to me that I don't think I'll be able to leave it voluntarily. Not now anyway. 

I can leave it temporarily, even for months or years at a time, but I need it to be there: I need this place to "come back home"!

So... help me, please!
How? You'll find out on my Twitter and Facebook accounts.
Thank you!

Update: The house is now mine. Thank you to everyone who gave me money and to those who lent me money I say: be sure that once I'll have justice I'll repay you in full.




Tuesday 10 September 2019

Heart or mind? / Cuore o mente?

I had foreseen it a long time ago, and now it's happened...

I have a choice... Try to pay my debt without waiting for the trial to end, or leave destiny to do its course and prepare to leave my house forever, turning a problem into an opportunity!

The house is in ruin, it's literally starting to fall apart. I would need to renovate it in order to conform to antiseismic laws, but also I would need to repair the roof and the gutters, to change the heating system, to repair doors and windows... So I really could use a change here, finding a better place to live!

But every nook and cranny has its story, its past, it is a memory of an event, small or big. And every time I gaze at its walls I remember something I did with Alberto and our friends.

Logically, I should take every item in the house (books, comics, DVDs, STIC documents, uniforms...) and store them somewhere and go on with my life somewhere else, in some city where I can find a job maybe, and forget all my troubles.

But "home is where the heart is", and my heart is here. In this cramped and ruined house, where Alberto's memory is alive, where he is watching me through his many things and where I can feel his presence every second of my half a life.

Should I follow my mind and take the next logical step in my life, or follow my heart and stay?
That's the dilemma...


*****

Lo avevo previsto molto tempo fa, e ora è successo ...

Ho una scelta ... Provare a pagare il mio debito senza aspettare che il processo finisca, o lasciare che il destino faccia il suo corso e prepararmi a lasciare la mia casa per sempre, trasformando un problema in un'opportunità!

La casa è in rovina, sta letteralmente iniziando a crollare. Avrei bisogno di rinnovarla per renderla conforme alle leggi antisismiche, ma avrei anche bisogno di riparare il tetto e le grondaie, di cambiare la caldaia, di riparare porte e finestre... Quindi potrei davvero usare questo cambiamento per trovare un posto migliore!

Ma ogni angolino ha la sua storia, il suo passato, è il ricordo di un evento, piccolo o grande. E ogni volta che guardo le pareti ricordo qualcosa che ho fatto con Alberto e i nostri amici.

Logicamente, dovrei prendere tutti gli oggetti della casa (libri, fumetti, DVD, documenti STIC, uniformi ...) e immagazzinarli da qualche parte per continuare la mia vita da un'altra parte, in qualche città dove possa trovare un lavoro, forse, e dimenticare tutti i miei problemi.

Ma "chiami casa dove ti riporta il cuore", e il mio cuore è qui. In questa casa angusta e in rovina, dove la memoria di Alberto è viva, dove lui mi osserva attraverso le sue molte cose e dove posso sentire la sua presenza ogni secondo di questa mia mezza vita.

Dovrei seguire la mia mente e fare il passo logico successivo nella mia vita, oppure seguire il mio cuore e rimanere?

Questo è il dilemma ...




Wednesday 14 August 2019

Of ups and downs

Funny how depression takes me on a continuous rollercoaster ride.

I was "up" today, when I finally (after almost a decade!) decluttered all my DIY stuff - nails, screws, hooks, tools... It was an emotional path on memory lane because most of the stuff belongs to many different DIY project Alberto and I made over the years, and some project we never had the chance of complete.
But the ride stayed on the "up" path of the rollercoaster.

Then I had a sandwitch and something happened, something small - someone didn't listened to me and acted as if I was not there at all.
In that moment I plunged on a very deep "down".
Now all I want to do is going to sleep - close my eyes hoping that when I reopen them I will be with Alberto again.

But, alas... I know that the rollercoaster will bring me up again, and down, and up... And down...

Thursday 11 July 2019

My ongoing depression

Those of you who read my blog may have noticed that I've written less and less - that's  mainly because I have nothing new to say. My life is engulfed in the usual ongoing depression.

Those of you who maybe never read this blog may not be aware of my illness. So... here's a summary!

My depression started over six years ago as a simple PTSD due to Alberto's death but I guess now it can be described as a clinical depression according to the symptoms listed by the WHO. 
I quote:
"Depression is a common mental disorder, characterized by persistent sadness and a loss of interest in activities that you normally enjoy, accompanied by an inability to carry out daily activities, for at least two weeks.
In addition, people with depression normally have several of the following: a loss of energy; a change in appetite; sleeping more or less; anxiety; reduced concentration; indecisiveness; restlessness; feelings of worthlessness, guilt, or hopelessness; and thoughts of self-harm or suicide."

Let's see...
... persistent sadness - check!
... loss of interest in activities that you normally enjoy - check!
... inability to carry out daily activities - check!
... loss of energy - check!
... a change in appetite - check!
... sleeping less - check!
... anxiety - check!
... reduced concentration - check!
... indecisiveness - check!
... restlessness - check!
... feelings of worthlessness - check!
... hopelessness - check!
... thoughts of self-harm or suicide... not really!
For six years!

I've been under medical treatment since February 2014, and I've been in therapy for two months last year. In those few sessions I recognised the causes of my depression and here's the list:

Alberto is dead! 
I won't explain again what my feelings are about it, the title of this blog (Half a life) is self-explanatory enough!

I am jobless
Seven projects payed less than 4.000 euro in two years don't count as a proper income. And I'm too old to find something else because Italian laws allow tax discounts if you are under 35... and I'm 55! I'd rather wait to get my social pension than try again and again to find... nothing!

The trial with our former tax advisor has not ended
He appealed the first conviction, and after three years at the first court hearing of the appeal... the judge simply set a second hearing for next October. In that moment his crime will be over the period of time allotted to be filed. No penal punishment for the theft of Alberto's and my money. He will have only - if the conviction is confirmed - to give me back my money. His criminal record will be clean! Whether mine will not - I (and Alberto) will always be guilty of tax evasion!

My mother is ill and needs me 24/7
She is as mentally formidable as usual, but her body is not strong anymore. She spends most of her time in bed and I'm her caregiver and the only one she truly trusts for everything - from checking the internet connection to take medical appontiments for her health checks. I can no longer leave the house for more than two or three hours unless I want her to have panic attacks and when I'm home I need to be always at the ready to help her in anything.

My therapy would have called for the removal of the causes of depression... but mine are not under my (or anybody's) control! 
Can I heal my mother? 
Can I speed up time so that the trial so that I can have our money back and finally pay taxes?
Can I find a job that I can do at home?
Can I resuscitate Alberto?

So... clinical depression it is.

May I have a cup of tea and some biscuits with my depression, please? Oh... and don't forget to leave me alone with my cats while I indulge in living it! Thank you!


Sunday 3 February 2019

A perfect day... in my dreams.

Today has been a sunny and warm day and in my dreams I woke up slowly, no chores to do, no one to care for but myself.

I had a full Irish breakfast in bed, surrounded only by silence, the occasional chirp of birds and Rua's purring.
Then I put my spring jacket on, my battered but comfortable walking shoes and I had a long walk in the back garden, followed by Gattona and Rua, who enjoyed with me the warm sun.
During the walk I decided which trees should be pruned by the gardeners, what colour I want the new fence and what bushes to plant anew.

After a quick lunch with fruit and cheese I started to work at the computer, preparing the layout for Star Trek magazine next issue - something I love to do because it relaxes me so much!
In the afternoon I also enjoyed watching Doctor Who in Italian on RAI4. Two of the episodes I translated, chatting with friends about it on Facebook, and later I engaged in another nice chat while watching a classic era episode.

Now I'm about to take a shower, eat some nice curry risotto before going to bed to listen to some traditional Irish music, drinking half a pint with custard creams, waiting to slowly drift into a quiet and deep sleep.

Alas...

Thursday 17 January 2019

Cats...

I've got plenty of cats in my life. I remember them all, and I still fell pain for the one who died in my lap - my beloved Popof -  and the beautiful Puccio, Alberto's cat - who was so well mannered and nice that I still feel the pang of despair when we found her dead in the sun...

Today, after decades, I'm again sharing Alberto's and my house with two cats, Gattona, the smart and lovely female who's far away from the well mannered Puccio, and Rua (Irish for "Red"), her son... who's a red tabby like Popof!

Here us theiur story so far!

https://youtu.be/n3HerbMxjDc

https://youtu.be/UE-O6zygEQQ

https://youtu.be/ZpaxvY203B4

https://youtu.be/vopVo_nv0hg

https://youtu.be/VFNLbtYDdYo

https://youtu.be/wCNBLIUlQlI

https://youtu.be/-3JCtfUREFE

https://youtu.be/xFHloUJhUn4

https://youtu.be/nj-yvPomyPo

https://youtu.be/xc--Wp4Cg7U

https://youtu.be/LFJD1h0684k

https://youtu.be/magft3gnpb8

https://youtu.be/qg-7VYpCZOQ

https://youtu.be/ctA5GSIWgz4

https://youtu.be/jED0dvdDVT4

https://youtu.be/S8ugNKbaDyM

https://youtu.be/pDP1-BitD_A

https://youtu.be/S50tIiQtJA4

https://youtu.be/_bz8AVUdB8Q

https://youtu.be/_JalWJw_sgQ

https://youtu.be/rCOu6zFaATo

https://youtu.be/Mn0hpObgDuM

https://youtu.be/AEqTDtIBFwQ

https://youtu.be/OVzesFRq850

https://youtu.be/Q2obUPP1ATY

https://youtu.be/qDIXEKSIjx8

https://youtu.be/JdoWQN5c9aI

https://youtu.be/9DKg3tGggHM

https://youtu.be/pBAvMMPBovU

https://youtu.be/F7cID9g3H-U

https://youtu.be/QJk7mqX0Bjs

https://youtu.be/8yaJd_Pg7z4

https://youtu.be/6n-o0vycLqM

https://youtu.be/0-w_tO5JQMs

https://youtu.be/jNEN66Zbk1A

https://youtu.be/cycXxu850L0

https://youtu.be/5aZ5KMem668


Tuesday 8 January 2019

Be like a cat!

My therapist said that I have to learn again how to face life. And an example could be my cat, Rua.

He is the kitten that Gattona, a stray female cat, decided to bring to life on my sofa bed last August.

Well, I'm learning. Cats always live the moment, there is no past for them, nor future. They don't have memories, just experiences. They don't have plans.

My therapist also told me to face my feelings without analysing them, and so I did. And discovered that deep down, past the surviving activities, I "am" nothing but rage and despair.



But I mustn't care about the past. Nor about the future. So I'll live moment by moment, without planning, without thinking.
Improvising. Just like a cat.


And like a cat I'll no longer wear my "I'm-fine" mask, I'll no longer say "that's okay" when it's not. I'll eat, do my daily routine, and sleep a lot!

And maybe I'll resume my human contacts sooner or later - no plans!