I will always cherish your love, Alberto

Cherish

Alberto

I'm grateful to have had you in my life. I'm glad to have you in my memory. 

I just wish you were here to celebrate another anniversary with me.

Together.

Forever and beyond.

35

I cry of joy because I met you.

I cry of pain because I lost you.

My soul is leaking away

Nine years ago today a huge crack formed in the dam containing my soul.

Since then I'm loosing a bit of my soul every day.

Since then other small and big events deepened that crack, over and over.

The crack cannot be mended.

It will come a time when the crack in the dam will be too deep and wide to contain my soul and I will cease to exist.

Alberto: un altro compleanno mancato

Quest'anno avresti avuto caldo, molto caldo...

Ma preferirei averti accanto in carne ed ossa in questo mondo in fiamme che saperti sepolto nel gelo della morte.

Buon compleanno, amore mio.

14 giugno

To cut a very long story short... We got married on the day we first met.

Every day I miss Alberto more than the day before - I don't know hiw much more pain I'll be able to endure...

2999 almost 3000

Too many days. Too many nights. Without Alberto.

Sadness, despair, loneliness... words that don't even begin to express what I feel.

2980

I'm thinking things that I should not think. I will not act on these thoughts, but my mind keeps wondering... 

i wish I was there...

... wherever "there" is, providing it's with you, Alberto.

Who cares?

Sometimes, often, like today, and ten days ago, and last month...

Sometimes I wonder how can I fight my depression if my "me-time" is non existent. And actually when in my "me-time" I want to do absolutely nothing bit staring at the ceiling or at the sky crying out loud because Alberto is not here with me.

I also often wonder if that kind of "me-time" is indeed my depression, and if I could fight it engaging in diy hobbies, writing, reading, knitting, sewing, socialising, doing home chores, spending time for burocracy and bills, tending to the garden, caring for my mum.

Usually the doubt fades away because I am forced to do some of the thing I mentioned - specifically mum, home, burocracy.

In the end I do what my sense of responsibility calls me to do. But all the time (even when it comes to hobbies) it's not what I want to do (which is... staring and crying).

So here I am, wondering again... But this time with another thought crossing my mind - who cares? I certainly don't. Deep down I feel that all these brooding, all these feelings, my whole life, will (sooner or later) be over and I will stop staring, crying and wondering. 

13 Agosto

Buon compleanno, mio primo, unico e ultimo amore. 

Personal Log, 201301.22 - Excerpt

I'm happy about the Inside issue dedicated to you, my Alberto. You probably would say it's too much, but I really believe you deserve it. Who, more than you, did so much for Star Trek? You devoted your life to STIC as I devoted my life to you!
I know it's easy to dedicate your life to something you love, just as it's been easy for me to dedicate my life to you.
Now I just have to be strong enough to "be you" and go on like you never left me.

Pain

I'm in pain. And not because someone "upgraded" me, although I wish I had the circuit to feel nothing...

Physical pain
After my gallbladder had gone I thought I was not about to have such pain again, and indeed I'm still a bit far from it. But if 0 is feeling great and 10 is  a biliar colic, my neck pain is constantly 3 every moment of my days and nights, with peaks at 7 when I'm spending more than one hour at the computer or I do some housework. Not to mention the pain in my joints now that the temperature is below 28°C. Winter will be hell... and it's already started.

Moral pain
Long past are those days when I was sure I could keep my work, my attitude and my enthusiasm for Star Trek up to Alberto's standards. Everything I touch - whether it's STIC, his office or his legacy - I destroy something. Due to this I feel guilty every second of my life, now.
Long past are also the days when I could face the challenges of every day's life with some confidence - I'm already letting down family and friends, I know I will let myself down if and when I'll find a job again because I lost my ability to focus and deliver.

Emotional pain
This I feel with my every breath. The pain of not sharing my life events with Alberto - from the birth of the little kitten (named Rua, son of stray cat Gattona) to eating blackberries plucked from the bush in the garden,  from the arrival of the new series of Star Trek or the new Doctor Whos to the quiet falling asleep in our bed.
Every single thing I see, hear, experience, is a stab of pain because Alberto is not here seeing, hearing, experiencing it with me.

I wish there was a way to not feel pain... because I fear someday my random thoughts of sleeping forever will not be random anymore and I won't be able to control them.