Wednesday, 14 June 2017

Round figures and alternate universes

30 years ago tonight, at 19:30, I was born and I didn't know it. Not back then.
Now I know.

And I know that if Alberto was here, we would be preparing a nice party - only for us or for friends too - to celebrate. Thirty years and 6 of marriage. And since traditionally, the 6th wedding anniversary material is "candy", we would have certainly prepared something very sweet to eat - maybe a huge tray of bomboloni with custard, or a big mille-feuille cake, like the ones Alberto had for his birthday parties!

But, alas, I'm not living in that reality. I live here, in my personal nightmare where my life has gone.

I could be writing about the many things that I didn't like in the past years, months, weeks, days, but that would mean to hurt people I love, to expose friends, and to make my usual and biggest mistake - talk without lying.
I could make a list the many things that happened in these years since I lost my life, I have to remember them in details to tell Alberto when I'll meet him again, but my memory is already forgetting a lot and I'm afraid I will not be able to make the list complete enough.

So I'd rather start a trip...

A trip into another dimension. Into that alternate universe where Alberto still lives. I will be only a visitor, because I don't want to spoil the party to the other Gabriella, the one who's happy, the one who's whole.
I'll watch with my mind's eye, imagining all the wonderful things Alberto and Gabriella will do today. On their happy 10959th day together, trying to forget that in my reality we lived together only 9332 days...

June 14th, 2011
Our wedding after 24 years after we first met



Sunday, 26 March 2017

Distractions

To be distracted from my nightmare is increasingly difficult. Each day is harder than the day before.
Nothing I do, or say, or watch, or think have lingering effects. As soon as I stop what I'm doing, as soon as chats with friends and family ends, as soon as the movie or episode I'm watching ends... immediately my mind is inundated by this one, huge, terrible nightmare.
The more I strive for distractions, the more my nightmare grows strong. And the worst thing of all is that I know I will never wake up from the nightmare, all my efforts will amount to nothing - Alberto will never live again.

Saturday, 18 February 2017

Poche parole...

... poche parole perché queste sono tutto ciò che la mia mente oggi riesce a mettere insieme. Ho passato le ultime ore immersa nella (ri)lettura dei post del blog di Giacomo Pueroni, che ha lasciato il mondo orribile dov'era vissuto negli ultimi tempi per andare... da qualche parte. In un "luogo inesplorato" dal quale non si torna. Lo stesso luogo dov'è Alberto.

Eravamo nati nello stesso anno, noi tre, a distanza di pochi mesi. Prima Giacomo, poi io, poi Alberto. E quando ci incontravamo per i compleanni, invariabilmente io dicevo a Giacomo "Ti ho raggiunto!" e Alberto diceva a noi "Vi ho raggiunto!" come se fosse una piccola gara in cui le posizioni erano quelle che il destino aveva scelto per noi.
Per qualche morbosa emozione, pensavo che per la nostra dipartita il destino ci avrebbe riservato l'opposto: prima Alberto, poi io e poi Giacomo. Ma non è successo così. Io sarò l'ultima, stavolta, a dire "Vi ho raggiunto!"

Prima o poi accadrà, nel frattempo aspettatemi e divertitevi!






For my English speaking readers

Just a few words, because that's the best my mind can do today. I spent the last few hours immersed in reading (again) some posts on Giacomo Pueroni's blog. He left the horrible world where he lived lately to go... somewhere. In an "undiscovered country" from where nobody returns. Where Alberto is too.

We were born in the same year, the three of us, a few months one from the other. First Giacomo, then me, then Alberto. And when we met at our birthdays I invariably told Giacomo "I reached you!" and Alberto told us "I reached you!" as this was a little race where our positions were those the fate had decided for us.
For some morbid feeling, I thought that our way to leave this world fate had in store exactly the opposite: first Alberto, then me and then Giacomo. But it didn't happened. I will be the last this time, to say to you "I reached you!"

Sooner or later it will happen, in the meanwhile wait for me and have fun!


Monday, 2 January 2017

Perfect words...





Let the dishes wait, no need in dusting
No reason to clean the dirty floor
'cause I'm sure it doesn't matter
Now that he has gone away
I have no plans for the future 'cause he's not here today
Let them go to the park and I'll sit alone here in the dark
No joy left in my heart anymore
Let me hold on to my memories

And if I die this way just let it be
I have no plans for the future 'cause he's not here with me
Why should I comb my head when I know I'm not going anywhere
Why should I keep right on giving when I've lost my only reason for living
So go on, just go on and have yourself a ball
I have no plans for the future 'cause he's not here
I have no plans for the future 'cause he's not here at all


Saturday, 31 December 2016

Nightmares and dreams

I was looking for something "happy" to say tonight, like many friends encouraged me to do. But happiness is not among my emotions anymore.
I can be contented, satisfied, delighted, but not happy, nor joyful. I am simply not able to force myself to feel happy anymore.
Having fun is not in my chords anymore too. I can enjoy the time with my friends, I can smile and even laugh in spending time together with my family. But fun...
Fun was laughing along with Alberto, and that will never be again.

I was looking for a dream to cultivate for next year, but for four years I’ve not been able to dream. I just daydream the moment when my troubles will end and I will be able to survive without counting every cent I spend... but that is easy. Real dreams escapes me.

When Alberto lived, I had a recurrent nightmare. I dreamed it every two or three months, and it was dreadful – in the nightmare Alberto died. Back then I merely woke up and talked about it with him, and the nightmare faded away in his presence. I never had that nightmare again, of course, because I am living it. Is it possibly this the reason why I don’t dream anymore?
Or is it just confusion?

Confused is one of the many adjective I find perfectly depicting who I am right now, along with uneasy, lonely, upset, guilty, tired. I tried to understand this as well, and the only explanation I found is that I still can’t see me as a “me” and not an “us”. So many times, while speaking, I have to force myself to say “my home”, “my schedule”, “my computer”, “my scooter”...
I still have to find a “me” without Alberto. If the concept even exists.

For these many reasons I can’t be happy in these days, which for me will always be the period of the year that took Alberto away from me. Reasons that have existed for one thousand, four hundred and sixty days!
But starting with the day number one thousand, four hundred and sixty one there will be another, huge reason not to be happy...
2017 would have marked our thirty anniversary together!

I know these are just numbers and there is no logical reason to mark the round figure anniversary with some special celebration, but I have a morbid fascination for this round 30 that will loom over me in 2017. It would have been a wonderful year with Alberto. It will be unbearable for me without him – June, September, October... I dread the moment when I’ll be living those days...

So, I’m sorry if I can’t be happy and hopeful like you, my friends and family, wish for me. The only wish I have for next year is to wake up from my nightmare, like it happened so many times before.
Wishful thinking...


Friday, 4 November 2016

#HoldOnToTheLight – Aggrappati alla luce

Mi sto aggrappando alla luce, ma per continuare a tenermi aggrappata ho bisogno di forza, e per averne la forza devo eliminare molte piccole cose faticose.

È questa la ragione principale per la quale ho dato le dimissioni dal Ponte di Comando e dunque da Presidente dello STIC-AL.
Lo STIC è la mia vita, non lo lascerò mai. Ho appena rinnovato la mia associazione pagando la quota annuale e continuerò a farlo in futuro. Sono sempre stata e sempre sarò una Socia STIC, e ne sono fiera, ma non riesco più a sopportare l'idea di essere colei che sta distruggendo lo STIC.

Mi sono resa conto di non poter più rappresentare il club. Non ho né l’autorità che aveva Alberto, né la chiarezza mentale per parlare a nome del Ponte di Comando. E neppure la capacità di mediare diplomaticamente i continui dissidi interni ed esterni.

Intendiamoci, questa non è una decisione dell’ultimo minuto (anche se c’è stata un’ultima goccia di recente): ho cominciato a pensarci il 30 novembre 2014. Erano circa le sei del pomeriggio quando sono salita sul palco della Reunion senza avere la minima idea di quel che dovevo dire: ero il Presidente dello STIC e dovevo parlare delle sorprese che lo STIC aveva in serbo per gli appassionati senza sapere quali fossero quelle sorprese.

Da allora ci sono state molte altre occasioni in cui mi sono sentita un pesce fuor d’acqua e ho fatto così tanti errori che alla fine ho capito di non essere adatta a fare il Presidente.
È arrivato il momento di dimettermi.
E mi sono dimessa: adesso sono semplicemente la Socia numero 70, com’ero quando mi sono iscritta allo STIC quasi trent’anni fa.

Non so se la luce sarà più vicina ora, ma la cosa certa è che ho percepito un senso di beatitudine appena dimessa: lo STIC non merita i miei atteggiamenti distruttivi e vivrà più a lungo senza di me al timone.

Purtroppo c’è una cosa che nei prossimi giorni oscurerà la luce: non posso andare alla prossima convention, la Reunion di Riccione.
Ma questo non ha niente a che fare con le mie dimissioni. Le uniche ragioni per non esserci sono tempo e denaro.

L’anno scorso ho dovuto scegliere tra divertirmi alla Reunion e avere la possibilità di trovare un lavoro all’estero (possibilità mai trasformata in realtà). Quest’anno ho trovato un lavoro: badante a mia madre, che ha bisogno del mio aiuto fisicamente tutto il giorno, tutti i giorni. Non è un vero lavoro, non è un dovere, è un piacere aiutarla e prendermi cura di lei. Ma ovviamente questo non mi permette di allontanarmi da casa per più di qualche ora.
Sfortunatamente la tecnologia del teletrasporto non è ancora stata inventata, quindi non ho modo di raggiungere facilmente Riccione, passare qualche ora tra amici e tornare a casa in tempo per la cena.

Se guadagnassi bene potrei assumere una badante per mia madre quando non sono in casa, ma i miei introiti da giugno sono stati quasi nulli! Non posso permettermi di pagare la Reunion, il viaggio per arrivarci e la badante!

Spero di risolvere le cose in tempo per la STICCON dell’anno prossimo, ma non faccio più progetti così a lungo termine... perché non sono sicura che esista una luce a cui aggrapparsi. Ho dunque imparato ad aggrapparmi al pensiero di una luce. E questo mi basta per andare avanti.

-----

For my English speaking readers

I am holding to the light, but in order to keep on holding to that light I need strength, and to have strength I need to get rid of many little tiring things.

That's the main reasons why I resigned my position as a bridge officer and President of the STIC-AL.
STIC is my life, I will never leave the club. I have just renewed my membership paying the annual fee and I will continue to do that in the future. I have been and shall always be a STIC member and proud, but I cannot endure anymore the thought of being the person who is destroying the STIC.

I realised I am no longer able to represent the club. I have neither the authority Alberto had, nor the clarity of mind to speak on behalf of the bridge officers. Let alone the ability to diplomatically mediate the continuous disagreements both internal and external.

Mind you, this is not a last minute decision - although there have been a last straw lately. I started to think about it on November 30th, 2014. It was around six o'clock p.m. when I stepped on the Reunion stage having no idea what I was supposed to say - I was the President of the STIC and I had to talk about what surprises the STIC had in store for the fans not being aware of what those surprises were.

Since then there have been many other occasions when I felt out of my depth and I made so many mistakes that I finally understood I am not fit to be the President.
The moment has come for me to step down.
And I stepped down - now I'm simply STIC member number 70, as I was when I subscribed to STIC almost thirty years ago.

I don't know if the light will get nearer now, but I certainly felt a certain sense of bliss once I resigned - the STIC does not deserve my destroying attitude and it will live longer without me at the helm.

Unfortunately, one thing in the next few days will obscure the light - I can't go to the next Reunion convention in Riccione.
This has nothing to do with my resignation, though. The only reasons for not going are time and money.

Last year I had to make a choice between having fun at the Reunion and having a possibility of finding a job abroad (a possibility that never turned to reality). This year I found a job - carer to my mother, who needs my physical help 24/7. It's not a real job, it's not a duty, it's a pleasure to help her and care for her. But obviously this doesn't allow me to go away from home for more than a few hours.
Unfortunately the transporter technology has not been invented yet, so I have no way of reaching Riccione easily, spend a few hours with friends and go back home in time for dinner.

If I had a good income I could hire a carer for my mother when I'm not home, but my income since June has been almost nil! I can't afford to pay the Reunion, the travel to arrive there and the carer!

I hope I will resolve things in time for the STICCON next year, but I don't make plans this far ahead anymore... because I'm not sure there is a light to hold onto. That’s why I learned to hold on to the thought of a light. And this is enough to make me go on.


Tuesday, 23 August 2016

A job I can't do... But I must

I'm crying out loud at the mere thought... I'll have to keep myself in check that day...

To make a wedding video was the only job I knew I could not do anymore, since the very first day Alberto died, I knew that I could never again be able to enter a church or watch a bride to go to the altar...

But I have not worked since June and I have no money in my bank anymore, so I must do it. It will break my spirit, but I have bills to pay...

Why, of all the job I want to do, cleaning public toilets included, I had to land this one? Why?