Saturday, 18 April 2020

I feel privileged

Pardon me if I'll be brutal...

I've told these things before in this sparselly written blog of mine - I'm in a sort of "quarantine" since years now.
- my mum needs my attention 24/7 at home;
- I usually go out just for buying food, medicines or go to the bank or post office;
- I work from home the very few jobs I can find;
- basically I'm living with my mother's social allowance;
- it's been ages since I've hung out with friends regularly.

But... even if my situation has been like this for at least five year and this emergency will postpone the final chapter of my long trial tribulations, I feel highly privileged:
- my house is mine (thanks to my friends and family help), no mortgage, no rent;
- I have a huge private garden where I can go for a walk and two wonderful cats to keep me company;
- I am "officially" unemployed and poor, and although I cannot access any benefit, I have no impelling tax to pay.

But most of all...

Being labelled as "poors" because we have less than 5000 euro in our bank/postal accounts, my mother and me have access to some services:
- volunteers delivery food and medicines at home if we need it;
- my municipality gave us some food for free (flour, milk, canned vegetables, pasta, rise, jams and so on);
- my bills are reduced by a small percentage (not much, but it's welcome anyway).

Alberto always taught me to always see the bright side of things, so even if the Covid-19 pandemic is a terrible, terrible catastrophe, it somehow makes me feel pampered.

Tuesday, 21 January 2020

Personal Log, 201301.22 - Excerpt

I'm happy about the Inside issue dedicated to you, my Alberto. You probably would say it's too much, but I really believe you deserve it. Who, more than you, did so much for Star Trek? You devoted your life to STIC as I devoted my life to you!
I know it's easy to dedicate your life to something you love, just as it's been easy for me to dedicate my life to you.
Now I just have to be strong enough to "be you" and go on like you never left me.

Tuesday, 14 January 2020

Personal Log 201301.14 - Excerpt

I know it's a selfish thing to say, but I wish I could swap with Alberto: he would be in pain, but he'd carry on better than I do.

Alberto and I were one identity, one soul, one person... But burocracy wants to divide us at all costs, making us two estranged people, like our shared life never happened.

I feel rage, because Alberto had been betrayed by someone who told him he admired us. Our financial advisor never paid our taxes and now I have to pay it. I feel rage because someone betrayed Alberto's trust, his infinite goodness, his transparency.

Oh, my great love, you've been a miracle in my life and I hope - after all this - to be able to live as you wanted me to live...

Tuesday, 7 January 2020

Personal Log, 201301.07 - Excerpt

The thing that I wish more than anything is not let everything Alberto created fade into nothingness. I helped him, it was my life as much as his.

I realise now that there will be many things I'll have to do alone,  things that we planned to do together...
To plant the little Christmas tree...
To watch the new Star Trek movie to see if we were right about the villain...
To clean the new photocamera...
To make a voyage just me and him...
I will do all those things, for him, but it won't be the same. I feel so tired and empty...

Saturday, 4 January 2020

Personal Log, 201301.04 - Excerpt

This is the first day of my life without Alberto - his body now rests in the cemetery in San Michele al Tagliamento.

This morning, as I was about to lay to rest the love of my life - the only man I ever had (and the only one I will ever have) - I thought I  could not smile, let alone keep on living. And yet... All our friends supported me just by being there, and they were so many!
Once I read that a shared pain diminishes, a shared joy multiplies. Today I had proof of that.

One last think I want to write lest to forget - thanks to Marcello, Alberto has been accompained out of the church on the notes of Amazin Grace. Wherever he is, Alberto will be glad!

Thursday, 12 September 2019

Decisions, decisions...

As you know, I have been thinking about leaving my house for good, the house that hosted my "whole" life with Alberto...

But... First of all to go where? I'm sure I'll be able to temporarily stay with family or friends, but that would not be a new life on my own. 
Second... Even if I move to another place, that place would never be big enough to contain all the memories I need to hold on to.
Third... this is the very first home Alberto and I shared, and I want it to be the last I live in.

The more I think the more I want to stay. This house and everything inside means so much to me that I don't think I'll be able to leave it voluntarily. Not now anyway. 

I can leave it temporarily, even for months or years at a time, but I need it to be there: I need this place to "come back home"!

So... help me, please!
How? You'll find out on my Twitter and Facebook accounts.
Thank you!

Tuesday, 10 September 2019

Heart or mind? / Cuore o mente?

I had foreseen it a long time ago, and now it's happened...

I have a choice... Try to pay my debt without waiting for the trial to end, or leave destiny to do its course and prepare to leave my house forever, turning a problem into an opportunity!

The house is in ruin, it's literally starting to fall apart. I would need to renovate it in order to conform to antiseismic laws, but also I would need to repair the roof and the gutters, to change the heating system, to repair doors and windows... So I really could use a change here, finding a better place to live!

But every nook and cranny has its story, its past, it is a memory of an event, small or big. And every time I gaze at its walls I remember something I did with Alberto and our friends.

Logically, I should take every item in the house (books, comics, DVDs, STIC documents, uniforms...) and store them somewhere and go on with my life somewhere else, in some city where I can find a job maybe, and forget all my troubles.

But "home is where the heart is", and my heart is here. In this cramped and ruined house, where Alberto's memory is alive, where he is watching me through his many things and where I can feel his presence every second of my half a life.

Should I follow my mind and take the next logical step in my life, or follow my heart and stay?
That's the dilemma...


Lo avevo previsto molto tempo fa, e ora è successo ...

Ho una scelta ... Provare a pagare il mio debito senza aspettare che il processo finisca, o lasciare che il destino faccia il suo corso e prepararmi a lasciare la mia casa per sempre, trasformando un problema in un'opportunità!

La casa è in rovina, sta letteralmente iniziando a crollare. Avrei bisogno di rinnovarla per renderla conforme alle leggi antisismiche, ma avrei anche bisogno di riparare il tetto e le grondaie, di cambiare la caldaia, di riparare porte e finestre... Quindi potrei davvero usare questo cambiamento per trovare un posto migliore!

Ma ogni angolino ha la sua storia, il suo passato, è il ricordo di un evento, piccolo o grande. E ogni volta che guardo le pareti ricordo qualcosa che ho fatto con Alberto e i nostri amici.

Logicamente, dovrei prendere tutti gli oggetti della casa (libri, fumetti, DVD, documenti STIC, uniformi ...) e immagazzinarli da qualche parte per continuare la mia vita da un'altra parte, in qualche città dove possa trovare un lavoro, forse, e dimenticare tutti i miei problemi.

Ma "chiami casa dove ti riporta il cuore", e il mio cuore è qui. In questa casa angusta e in rovina, dove la memoria di Alberto è viva, dove lui mi osserva attraverso le sue molte cose e dove posso sentire la sua presenza ogni secondo di questa mia mezza vita.

Dovrei seguire la mia mente e fare il passo logico successivo nella mia vita, oppure seguire il mio cuore e rimanere?

Questo è il dilemma ...