To sleep... To die...

I am very tired, mentally, so please accept my apologies for any mistake in this entry.

It's been almost a year since Nedda, my mum, had a stroke that rendere her unable to speak and to do a lot of other daily things (eating, going tonthe bathroom...) without help.

Another side effect of her stroke has been her sleeplessness - she sleeps only for less than one to three hours and then wakes up, stays awake for the same amount of time then sleep again, repeating the cycle all day and night, every single day.

Bottom line - it's been almost one year that I can't have a good eight-hours sleep! And since I am not capable of getting some rest for less than that amount of time, I am virtually awake all day (=24 hours) long!

I am no longer living my half a life. I am just dragging myself on, trying not to give in (or my mum will be cared for by no one else).

I feel like a battery out of juice, barely able to think or focus. I just can cook, clean the house, and wait for my mum next need.

The caregivers who had helped and are helping me with Nedda do not give me relief anymore, and even when they did it was just for a few hours every week.

There is some hope at the end of this (another one!) tunnel - my mum will be transferred to a nursing home. But this could happen in months, even years from now.

And I'm afraid I'll be an amoeba by then because I already lost any interest in finding a job, going to conventions and get-alongs, watching the new Star Trek or Doctor Who series, having plans and projects for the house and everything Alberto owned. These things have no appeal to me anymore, despite I often say the opposite to family and friends.

I feel more dead than alive, sensing that if I was truly dead I'd be better off. At least I'd sleep!

And I'll be with Alberto again!

To be or not to be

I must not... I cannot... I don't want to commit suicide... but, please, let me dream of going to sleep one night and wake up no more. Let me wish to shuffle away my mortal coil and end my troubles. 

"To die—to sleep,

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd."

I must not commit suicide because this would go against all Alberto believed in. Even in his and ours darkest days he was always optimistic. 

Furthermore, I have no religious belief, but I don't discard the possibility that one of them could be true (I have no proofs either way), so, if Heaven and Hell exists, Alberto is not in Hell and by committing suicide I will end up in Hell thus never see Alberto again!

I cannot commit suicide. I don't want surviving friends and family to suffer and mourn the way I suffered and mourned since the day Alberto died. I don't want them to face the practical consequences of my departure.

Also I have a duty of care for my mother that, even if I am not really able to fulfill it as I should, I cannot avoid. I'm trying to get help in this regards, but finding a caregiver is prooving nearly impossible.

I do not want to commit suiside, because even if I have no dreams, no ambitions, no future opportunities anymore, I want to be a witness to the positive things that are happening in the world nowadays - my niece Isobel career, Perseverance exploration of Mars, Greta and her Fridays for Future movement, Samantha Cristoforetti next mission to the ISS, Elon Musk and his paving the progress with electric cars and space faring, Spot and its robotics friends at Boston Dynamics multiplying... to name just a few.

So, don't worry. I'll be around as long as I can. Now you know why.

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Translation for my Italian followers:

Non devo ... Non posso ... Non voglio suicidarmi ... ma, per favore, fatemi sognare di andare a dormire una notte per svegliarmi più. Lasciatemi desiderare di disfarmi delle mie spoglie mortali per porre fine ai miei guai.

"Morire, dormire…

nient'altro, e con un sonno dire che poniamo fine

al dolore del cuore e ai mille tumulti naturali

di cui è erede la carne: è una conclusione

da desiderarsi devotamente."

Non devo suicidarmi perché questo andrebbe contro tutto ciò in cui Alberto credeva. Anche nei suoi e nei nostri giorni più bui era sempre ottimisto.

Inoltre, non ho un fede religiosa, ma non scarto la possibilità che una di esse possa essere vera (non ho prove in nessun caso), quindi, se il Paradiso e l'Inferno esistono, Alberto non è all'Inferno e suicidandomi io finirò all'Inferno non rivedendo quindi mai più Alberto!

Non posso suicidarmi. Non voglio che amici e famiglia che mi sopravvivranno soffrano e piangano come ho sofferto e pianto dal giorno in cui è morto Alberto. Non voglio che affrontino le conseguenze pratiche della mia dipartita.

Inoltre devo prendermi cura di mia madre, un dovere che, anche se non sono davvero in grado di adempierlo come dovrei, non posso evitare; sto cercando di ottenere aiuto in questo senso, ma trovare un* badante si sta dimostrando quasi impossibile.

Non voglio suicidarmi, perché anche se non ho più sogni, ambizioni, né opportunità future, voglio essere testimone delle cose positive che stanno accadendo nel mondo oggi - la carriera di mia nipote Isobel, Perseverance e la sua esplorazione di Marte, Greta e il suo movimento Fridays for Future, la prossima missione sulla ISS di Samantha Cristoforetti, Elon Musk e le sue strade verso il progresso con auto elettriche e viaggi spaziali, Spot e i suoi amici robot della Boston Dynamics che prolificano... per citarne solo alcune.

Quindi non preoccupatevi. Sarò qui il più a lungo possibile. E ora sapete il perché.

The tunnel has collapsed

I see no light at the end, because there is no light anymore.

Of the judgement below I understand only two things (and I'm not sure I understand correctly) - Mauro Enea "won" his case because of the long time needed to conclude trials in Italy and he is not been condamned for the most part of his crimes because they "expired". 

And the other thing is that, the decision is once again postponed for him to be condemned for the part not yet "expired".

Here's the text in Italian:

Corte Suprema di Cassazione.

Si invia esito udienza secondo quanto disposto dall'art. 83, comma 12 ter, d.l. 18/2020:

ANNULLA SENZA RINVIO LA SENTENZA IMPUGNATA LIMITATAMENTE ALLE CONDOTTE ANTERIORI AL 16 SETTEMBRE 2012, PERCHÉ I REATI SONO ESTINTI PER PRESCRIZIONE. ANNULLA LA SENTENZA IMPUGNATA, CON RINVIO AD ALTRA SEZIONE DELLA CORTE DI APPELLO DI TRIESTE, LIMITATAMENTE ALLA SUSSISTENZA DELL'AGGRAVANTE PREVISTA DALL'ART. 61 N.7 COD. PEN.,ALLA RIDETERMINAZIONE DELLA PENA E ALLA QUANTIFICAZIONE DEL DANNO. DICHIARA INAMMISSIBILE NEL RESTO IL RICORSO E DICHIARA IRREVOCABILE L'AFFERMAZIONE DI RESPONSABILITÀ PER LE CONDOTTE APPROPRIATIVE COMMESSE DAL 16 SETTEMBRE 2012.

SPESE DELLA PARTE CIVILE AL DEFINITIVO.

The following is the text in English. Sorry for the bad translation, but I used Google - I barely understand it in Italian, not to mention translating into English!

"Supreme Court of Cassation.

 The outcome of the hearing is sent in accordance with the provisions of art.  83, paragraph 12 ter, legislative decree  18/2020:

 CANCEL WITHOUT POSTPONING THE JUDGMENT CONCERNED LIMITED TO THE CONDUCTS BEFORE 16 SEPTEMBER 2012, BECAUSE THE OFFENSES ARE EXTINCTION BY PRESCRIPTION.  CANCEL THE CONTESTED JUDGMENT, WITH REFERRAL TO ANOTHER SECTION OF THE COURT OF APPEAL OF TRIESTE, LIMITED TO THE EXISTENCE OF THE AGGRAVANTE PROVIDED FOR BY ART.  61 N.7 COD.  PEN., TO THE RESTORATION OF THE PENALTY AND THE QUANTIFICATION OF THE DAMAGE.  THE APPLICATION IS INADMISSIBLE IN THE REST AND ITS IRREVOCABLE DECLARATION OF LIABILITY FOR THE APPROPRIATE CONDUCTS COMMITTED FROM 16 SEPTEMBER 2012.

 EXPENDITURE OF THE CIVIL PARTY TO THE FINAL."

Now... Let's sum it up...

I will not be repaid in full of the money he stole from Alberto and me.

I will see some money, at best in a couple of years.

With less money I will not be able to transform this house into the "museum" I wanted and in time it will rotten due to humidity and mice and rats. 

I will probably end up barely repaying my new financial advisor and my lawyer.

The worst part is... that I will not be able to repay friends and family who lent me money for the house.

So... if I understand the judgment correctly, my half-a-life has now become no-life!

My focus on positivity is totally lost. I already needed help for my ongoing depression, now I'll seek help for trying not to give up. Some people depends on my presence in this world, and two cats too.

Please, if what I understood is correct, don't try and console me: on this Earth there is no consolation for this injustice.

I just need to forget all this and keep on trying staying alive.