Who cares?

Sometimes, often, like today, and ten days ago, and last month...

Sometimes I wonder how can I fight my depression if my "me-time" is non existent. And actually when in my "me-time" I want to do absolutely nothing bit staring at the ceiling or at the sky crying out loud because Alberto is not here with me.

I also often wonder if that kind of "me-time" is indeed my depression, and if I could fight it engaging in diy hobbies, writing, reading, knitting, sewing, socialising, doing home chores, spending time for burocracy and bills, tending to the garden, caring for my mum.

Usually the doubt fades away because I am forced to do some of the thing I mentioned - specifically mum, home, burocracy.

In the end I do what my sense of responsibility calls me to do. But all the time (even when it comes to hobbies) it's not what I want to do (which is... staring and crying).

So here I am, wondering again... But this time with another thought crossing my mind - who cares? I certainly don't. Deep down I feel that all these brooding, all these feelings, my whole life, will (sooner or later) be over and I will stop staring, crying and wondering. 

I am older than I'd like to be

A nice stream of sunny days had been a "cure-all" for my neck pains.

One of my dear friends gave me money to be spent on those little things I've postponed for ages (i.e. new eyeglasses).

I finally found pleasure in reading books again. 

But then... Bad luck struck!

Stomach ache returned, and this time it cannot be gallbladder problems because I have no gallbladder anymore.

And my right hand wrist is starting to suffer the same pains of my left writs (due to a mild arthrosis)... and me being right-handed this time is really annoying!

Finally... heat flashes have worsened - now I have at leaat ten/fifteen per day, lasting over 5 minutes each.

So... Winter is coming, for the weather and for me. 

13 Agosto

Buon compleanno, mio primo, unico e ultimo amore. 

I crave the silence

Another long, sleepless night is coming.

The noise of my mom"s electric fan will accompany me until dawn and beyond.

Every single night is the same and that's why I crave the silence of my own bed, where the only sound I hear is the soft murmur of crickets. 

Counselling #1

First day of (again) professional counselling. I hope this time will last more than the last, but I'm confident. Not because I have new hopes in my life, but because of the Covid-19 pandemic, counselling is now also be available with online sessions on Google Meet, so I won't have to cut short my therapy because I cannot leave house for more than two hours!

After hearing what my problems are, my therapist wants to ascertain if I have indeed clinical depression - so I'll be tested properly for this. But in any case one suggestion is that I have to cut some time for me, really just for me and none else. Easier said than done, of course, because I really don't know where to start to avoid distractions and interruptions and live an hour or two totally and exclusively thinking about my well being.

The tunnel has collapsed

I see no light at the end, because there is no light anymore.

Of the judgement below I understand only two things (and I'm not sure I understand correctly) - Mauro Enea "won" his case because of the long time needed to conclude trials in Italy and he is not been condamned for the most part of his crimes because they "expired". 

And the other thing is that, the decision is once again postponed for him to be condemned for the part not yet "expired".

Here's the text in Italian:

Corte Suprema di Cassazione.

Si invia esito udienza secondo quanto disposto dall'art. 83, comma 12 ter, d.l. 18/2020:

ANNULLA SENZA RINVIO LA SENTENZA IMPUGNATA LIMITATAMENTE ALLE CONDOTTE ANTERIORI AL 16 SETTEMBRE 2012, PERCHÉ I REATI SONO ESTINTI PER PRESCRIZIONE. ANNULLA LA SENTENZA IMPUGNATA, CON RINVIO AD ALTRA SEZIONE DELLA CORTE DI APPELLO DI TRIESTE, LIMITATAMENTE ALLA SUSSISTENZA DELL'AGGRAVANTE PREVISTA DALL'ART. 61 N.7 COD. PEN.,ALLA RIDETERMINAZIONE DELLA PENA E ALLA QUANTIFICAZIONE DEL DANNO. DICHIARA INAMMISSIBILE NEL RESTO IL RICORSO E DICHIARA IRREVOCABILE L'AFFERMAZIONE DI RESPONSABILITÀ PER LE CONDOTTE APPROPRIATIVE COMMESSE DAL 16 SETTEMBRE 2012.

SPESE DELLA PARTE CIVILE AL DEFINITIVO.

The following is the text in English. Sorry for the bad translation, but I used Google - I barely understand it in Italian, not to mention translating into English!

"Supreme Court of Cassation.

 The outcome of the hearing is sent in accordance with the provisions of art.  83, paragraph 12 ter, legislative decree  18/2020:

 CANCEL WITHOUT POSTPONING THE JUDGMENT CONCERNED LIMITED TO THE CONDUCTS BEFORE 16 SEPTEMBER 2012, BECAUSE THE OFFENSES ARE EXTINCTION BY PRESCRIPTION.  CANCEL THE CONTESTED JUDGMENT, WITH REFERRAL TO ANOTHER SECTION OF THE COURT OF APPEAL OF TRIESTE, LIMITED TO THE EXISTENCE OF THE AGGRAVANTE PROVIDED FOR BY ART.  61 N.7 COD.  PEN., TO THE RESTORATION OF THE PENALTY AND THE QUANTIFICATION OF THE DAMAGE.  THE APPLICATION IS INADMISSIBLE IN THE REST AND ITS IRREVOCABLE DECLARATION OF LIABILITY FOR THE APPROPRIATE CONDUCTS COMMITTED FROM 16 SEPTEMBER 2012.

 EXPENDITURE OF THE CIVIL PARTY TO THE FINAL."

Now... Let's sum it up...

I will not be repaid in full of the money he stole from Alberto and me.

I will see some money, at best in a couple of years.

With less money I will not be able to transform this house into the "museum" I wanted and in time it will rotten due to humidity and mice and rats. 

I will probably end up barely repaying my new financial advisor and my lawyer.

The worst part is... that I will not be able to repay friends and family who lent me money for the house.

So... if I understand the judgment correctly, my half-a-life has now become no-life!

My focus on positivity is totally lost. I already needed help for my ongoing depression, now I'll seek help for trying not to give up. Some people depends on my presence in this world, and two cats too.

Please, if what I understood is correct, don't try and console me: on this Earth there is no consolation for this injustice.

I just need to forget all this and keep on trying staying alive.

Sunny but freezing

It's July, but the weather seems to be stuck in April. Sun is shining again after days of uncertain rain but the temperature is still mild. 

I feel like going out and basking in the sun, but as I open the window a light, fresh breeze comes in. It feels chilly on my old bones.

So, sun basking is not an option. I would love to have a closed sunroom, but alas I have 12 euro in my bank account, and I don't think I would find a sunroom for that price! 

I truly hope August will bring at least a month of hot, hot, hot sunny days. At least one month before another winter of pain, but I am starting to be a true pessimist and I thus expect just other weeks of mild temperatures and rains.