Those of you who maybe never read this blog may not be aware of my illness. So... here's a summary!
My depression started over six years ago as a simple PTSD due to Alberto's death but I guess now it can be described as a clinical depression according to the symptoms listed by the WHO.
I quote:
"Depression is a common mental disorder, characterized by persistent sadness and a loss of interest in activities that you normally enjoy, accompanied by an inability to carry out daily activities, for at least two weeks.
In addition, people with depression normally have several of the following: a loss of energy; a change in appetite; sleeping more or less; anxiety; reduced concentration; indecisiveness; restlessness; feelings of worthlessness, guilt, or hopelessness; and thoughts of self-harm or suicide."
Let's see...
... persistent sadness - check!
... loss of interest in activities that you normally enjoy - check!
... inability to carry out daily activities - check!
... loss of energy - check!
... a change in appetite - check!
... sleeping less - check!
... anxiety - check!
... reduced concentration - check!
... indecisiveness - check!
... restlessness - check!
... feelings of worthlessness - check!
... hopelessness - check!
... thoughts of self-harm or suicide... not really!
For six years!
I've been under medical treatment since February 2014, and I've been in therapy for two months last year. In those few sessions I recognised the causes of my depression and here's the list:
Alberto is dead!
I won't explain again what my feelings are about it, the title of this blog (Half a life) is self-explanatory enough!
I am jobless
Seven projects payed less than 4.000 euro in two years don't count as a proper income. And I'm too old to find something else because Italian laws allow tax discounts if you are under 35... and I'm 55! I'd rather wait to get my social pension than try again and again to find... nothing!
The trial with our former tax advisor has not ended
He appealed the first conviction, and after three years at the first court hearing of the appeal... the judge simply set a second hearing for next October. In that moment his crime will be over the period of time allotted to be filed. No penal punishment for the theft of Alberto's and my money. He will have only - if the conviction is confirmed - to give me back my money. His criminal record will be clean! Whether mine will not - I (and Alberto) will always be guilty of tax evasion!
My mother is ill and needs me 24/7
She is as mentally formidable as usual, but her body is not strong anymore. She spends most of her time in bed and I'm her caregiver and the only one she truly trusts for everything - from checking the internet connection to take medical appontiments for her health checks. I can no longer leave the house for more than two or three hours unless I want her to have panic attacks and when I'm home I need to be always at the ready to help her in anything.
My therapy would have called for the removal of the causes of depression... but mine are not under my (or anybody's) control!
Can I heal my mother?
Can I speed up time so that the trial so that I can have our money back and finally pay taxes?
Can I find a job that I can do at home?
Can I resuscitate Alberto?
So... clinical depression it is.
May I have a cup of tea and some biscuits with my depression, please? Oh... and don't forget to leave me alone with my cats while I indulge in living it! Thank you!
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