Dublin - London

I was about to write a long and possibly dry report on my days looking for a job in the British Islands, but then I though that I'd better talk about the bright side of that trip instead of dwelling upon possibilities that never became reality.
Maybe, who knows?, in the future I will write this blog from there, as it was meant to be since the beginning on my adventure on Blogger!

In the meanwhile, though, I want to share with you some of the beauty I found there.

Much of the positive feelings I felt there, came from my wonderful and supporting family - my brother Paolo, my sister Pam (she is a sister in law, but for me it's a sister, period!) and my talented niece Isobel. Oh... and a cute and funny black cat, Viotto.
My friends from Italy remained in contact through this beautiful thing that social networking is - I managed to say "Hi" to all those attending the Reunion and that was one of my highlights there!
But before that I was a more than welcomed guest in Milan, thank you Chiara, thank you Luca! Thank you all of you who let me enjoy your happiness!
And after that I met Elisa (thank you!) and Robert, my older cousin, who I haven't seen in almost twenty years.

I felt other positive emotions while I was away - between interviews and travels from one side of the towns to the other looking for jobs, I took pictures with Alberto's camera.

So here are some of those pictures, the most significant to me. I love the colours of Nature and Man, with or without sunshine!

A Leopardstown crow.

A small magpie on the LUAS rails.

Hidden Dublin - I don't exactly remember whar this wonderful glass facade is. But i'ts worth looking for!

Unusual Dublin - Ashton Quay from Bachelors Walk. Among the seagulls you can see Forbidden Planet on the other side of the River Liffey.

A proud Dublin seagull stand guard to the Ha'penny Bridge.

Hidden Dublin - the red brick walled Bachelors Way.

Unusual Dublin - the walkway near the River Dodder, Milltown.

Unusual Dublin - closer to the River Dodder.

Unusual Dublin - This is in the middel of Milltown!

Dublin Mountains from inside LUAS.

LUAS stop of Ballyogan Wood, the city limits... beyond there's more city, though!

 

Unusual London - Pidgeons wait in queue in Hyde Park.

Unusual London - Ducks watches bystanders in Hyde Park.

A usual Hide Park scene - feeding the squirrel!

The squirrel closer...

The closest to the squirrel I could go.

Usual London - Christmassy Neal's Yard

Hidden London - A crow (I think!) in a park near East Acton.

Hidden London - A big-headed magpie in the same park.

East Acton station, the last picture of my trip.

Missing Mac

He's been Nedda's and mine house cat, loved and well cared for. Mac was his name, although I simply called him "Gatto", 'cause he reminded me of Shrek Puss in Boots. He was gentle, trusting and loved people.

He's been probably poisoned over a week ago. By the very people he probably trusted. He lived less than two years, but he had fun... ooh, yes he had!

Doctor Who (with a bit of Star Trek) in Lucca

September 23rd
I received a phone call from RAI 4. Massimiliano told me wanted me to be the host of a panel for the launch of Doctor Who's ninth season at Lucca Comics & Games. I accepted.
A few days later more details came in - and finally...

October 9th
... the word was out - I'd be host of a Q&A with none other than Steven Moffat and Jamie Mathieson. I was honoured beyond belief.

October 30th
For the launch of the ninth series, which will air next year on RAI4 starting January 3rd, another event has been organized: the preview of the first episode dubbed in Italian.
That's what I worked hard for, that's why I went to Multimedia Network in Rome last September. That's why I had to keep the secret for such a long time!

Being in the theatre must have not been easy for Steven Moffat, especially because, after his own introduction, he watched the first few minutes of his episode with an audience of Whovians who speak another language. It was certainly not easy for me, being accountable for those very Italian lines.

So, it was good to see the audience with their sonic screwdrivers lit during the opening titles. It was good to hear the cheers when Missy appears, the roars when Peter Capaldi makes his grand entrance playing the guitar. And I appreciated the laughter when my Italian equivalent for "Dudes" was heard for the first time!

For "Dude" I had to resort to some anachronistic slang word,
short enough and funny enough! Hence... Bellazio!
Multimedia's professionals accepted my suggestion and there it was!

But make no mistakes, I'm not the one who organized everything in Lucca. The Doctor Who Italian Club was, managing the queues, the flash mobs and all the fan activities. There were a lot of fans - more than I expected (and I had high expectations!) - who cosplayed Doctor Who characters for hours while waiting to enter the theatre and the next day...

October 31st
... waiting to enter the auditorium for the panel. So many people for too few seats, so many whovians had to stand at the back of the hall, and many more had to stay outside, peeking from the open doors.
I broke the ice of the Q&A with two of my questions and then people had so many interesting questions that the 40 minutes allotted past by in a flash!
Steven Moffat took a picture of a "Missy" (one of the many!) and promised to send it to Michelle Gomez. He also took a selfie with him and Jamie Mathieson in front of the whole audience. But the best part was when Steven asked us to voice the name "Capaldi"... with our proper Italian pronunciation!

Personally I had the chance to talk with Moffat and Mathieson for just a few minutes, before and after the Q&A, and my impression was of two men positively surprised of the quantity of Italian Whovians and the quality of their knowledge of the series.

I wished to have been able to present a brief history of our Italian Doctor Who fandom, but I didn’t wanted to steal the show. So I’m taking the chance here to thank...
- my great group, Doctor Who Hermits United for being such a nice bunch of people, specifically Ennio, Federica, Elena, Chiara & Michela,
- Fabio, for his “battaglia a suon di metallo” (credits go where credits are due!),
- Doctor-Who.it, that is Francesco “Laz” and his "companions", who do a really good job with their amateur subtitles,
- and last but not least, Doctor Who Italian Club whose members, as I already said, have been constantly busy in organizing people around the town!

The frenzy was over sooner than I thought. I closed the Doctor Who chapter and opened the Star Trek one. Unfortunately, on the Saturday afternoon and evening, my staying at the Ultimo Avamposto / STIC-AL's stand was brief due to a fierce headache that forced me to return to my hotel in Viareggio earlier than I wished.

November 1st
My last day in Lucca I spent it with friends, in queue for a meal and for most of the afternoon at Ultimo Avamposto / STIC-AL's stand. My Star Trek reboot costume was a red shirt (Scotty's in my mind), but very few seemed to notice.
Maybe next year, when celebrations for the 50th anniversary of the franchise will be travelling at warp ten, there will be more trekkers around.

As a footnote, I wish to give a huge thank you to BBC, RAI 4 and Multimedia Network for trusting me with their franchise. I worked (and I’m still working) to the best of my abilities for Doctor Who!
As I had done (and, who knows, maybe I'll do) for Star Trek!

I haven't covered everything in this brief report. But if you ask me, I'll edit this post to reply to your queries!

A song in my head

I'm slowly absorbing the news
the worst nightmare
within the nightmare.
I'm not sure for how long I will be able
to fake a smile, so I better write it down.
A reminder for the future.
I have to endure!
I have to go on!
I can't escape this!
Don't ask.
I won't tell.
Don't ask.
I won't tell.
Don't ask.
I won't tell.

Nine hundred ninety nine

I may have already written what I'm about to write - but that would only mean that  nothing has changed.

Every day I write down a list of things that I'd wanted to do with Alberto, things that I cannot do anymore since his death. The list is so long that I'm thinking of stopping writing it!
Because everything I'm doing I would have wanted to do with him - personal moments, mundane things, hobbies, parties, conventions, travels...

The problem is not just that I am alone in "enjoying" those things, but I am excruciatingly aware that Alberto cannot enjoy them as well. He lost so many occasions of feeling happy or moved or satisfied...
Alberto lost nine hundred ninety nine days of "our" life together!

Forgive me if I will be refusing to watch a movie with you, or if the only TV series I follow are the ones I feel "responsible" for (Star Trek and Doctor Who, because I have to think about you, the children we never had). Forgive me if I stopped reading books, or taking photographs. Forgive me if sometime my smile will not be true, but every day is a day that I have to endure and sometime this is a heavy burden to carry.

I wish I could go back nine hundred and ninety nine days in the past. And tomorrow I will wish I could go back one thousand days...

Multiverses

If the quantum mechanics theory is true, then there is at least one universe where Alberto is not dead.
Where he survived his heart attack or he didn't even have one.
A universe where in this very moment his Gabriella is having fun arranging his birthday - suggesting presents to his friends, shopping for the buffet with his closest friends, booking his birthday cake with him.
In that universe Alberto is enjoying the preparations, and is planning a huge battle with water guns.
In that universe Gabriella is happy to see him enjoying these days.

I've always thought the multiverse theory was logical, but lately it's become my only "belief".
So, even if in this universe there will be no smile on Alberto's face for me to enjoy these days, I want to believe somewhere there is a version of me who is happy and looking forward to August 13th.

I'm not happy, but I am peaceful - somewhere, in some other layer of existence, some other me is still whole.

Gabriella

28 years ago

My "whole" life started there and then.

Am I cheating?

In one episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Benjamin Sisko tells Worf something that I never understood until now.
"Part of being a captain is knowing when to smile, to make the troops happy. Even when it's the last thing in the world you want to do. Because they're your troops, and you have to take care of them."

I always felt that doing it was cheating those who trust me. I felt that even smiling when I don't feel like smiling was a kind of cheat.
So, when the moment came to start thinking about going to the STICCON as every year since 1988, I felt that I could not cheat on my "troops", on my friends. On you!

So I told you that I didn't feel like going because it was a stress, the smallest of stresses, a stress that - especially now that I'm under treatment - I should endure easily. But a stress nonetheless because Alberto is not living the STICCON with me anymore.
And you started to feel sad. You didn't pushed me, you didn't forced me. You just begged me to allow you to make me enjoy your companionship.
And that's when I understood what Sisko meant.

There's nothing more important that you, my friends - my "troops" is all I have. Especially now that Alberto is not at my side. You are! And even if I think I don't feel like smiling, you will make me feel like smiling again. This is the trick! By taking care of my troops I will be taking care of myself.
Going to the STICCON may be the last thing in the world I want to do, but part of being a captain is knowing when to smile, to make the troops happy. Because you're my troops, and you will take care of me.

Here I come, STICCON!

Gabriella

Comfortably numb

A few weeks ago I'd probably put my boxing bag to good use after reading various comments on social media, or hearing remarks made by some stupid bureaucrats, or watching car drivers make dangerous maneuvers on the street...
Not anymore!

Now the treatment with citalopram is working and I feel comfortably numb. Everything bad that's happening to me just slips away, like water on a windshield treated with rain repellent. I have to thank my psychiatrist: he told me to avoid stresses and I'm avoiding all the stresses I have control on.

Two years ago I wrote something on the Inside Star Trek Magazine issue dedicated to Alberto - now I can say I'm sympathetic and not prone to anger nor vengeance.
I'm finally living blissfully without feeling anger (or any other strong emotion) anymore.

Gabriella

The needs of the many

To almost quote one of the best written Star Trek line, said by Spock in the final original cast movie... "Is it possible that I have grown so old and so inflexible that I have outlived my usefulness?"
My answer is: "Yes, I have!"

Lately my working rhythm has slowed down dramatically, for the very few "real jobs" and for all STIC-related things. I cannot concentrate and I quadrupled the time I spend in writing articles, translate or reading and replying to emails.
And when resentment kicks in, things get worse - resentment for things that I should not resent at all!
Decisions taken without consulting me, people who tell me one thing and then do the opposite, discussion of details that once I felt they were completely unimportant. I feel that whenever I have an idea, the opposite is smoother or cheaper or simply  better!
The logical conclusion is that my attitude is old fashioned, my ideas old and outdated, and I am no longer fit for being a leader (although I doubt I ever was).

So - again following the best Star Trek guidelines "the needs of the many outweight the needs of the few, or the one" - I take a step back and let everybody else, the ones with the better ideas, to take my place. I'll support them without pestering them with my stale and obsolete way of thinking.
Don't ask me why things are going the way they are because I don't know. And if I do, chances are the answers will be the wrong ones.

In the meanwhile I'll cure my frame of mind - first step: psychiatric examination next week.

The longest night

August 13th is and will always be the longest day for me, as this night between January 1st and 2nd is and will always be the longest night.

I can't help but grieve, more than I grieve every day of the year, and listen to some of the songs that better describe my mood...

730 days without you... and counting.