RIP

I really need to rest in peace...

... at least for a while.

To sleep... To die...

I am very tired, mentally, so please accept my apologies for any mistake in this entry.

It's been almost a year since Nedda, my mum, had a stroke that rendere her unable to speak and to do a lot of other daily things (eating, going tonthe bathroom...) without help.

Another side effect of her stroke has been her sleeplessness - she sleeps only for less than one to three hours and then wakes up, stays awake for the same amount of time then sleep again, repeating the cycle all day and night, every single day.

Bottom line - it's been almost one year that I can't have a good eight-hours sleep! And since I am not capable of getting some rest for less than that amount of time, I am virtually awake all day (=24 hours) long!

I am no longer living my half a life. I am just dragging myself on, trying not to give in (or my mum will be cared for by no one else).

I feel like a battery out of juice, barely able to think or focus. I just can cook, clean the house, and wait for my mum next need.

The caregivers who had helped and are helping me with Nedda do not give me relief anymore, and even when they did it was just for a few hours every week.

There is some hope at the end of this (another one!) tunnel - my mum will be transferred to a nursing home. But this could happen in months, even years from now.

And I'm afraid I'll be an amoeba by then because I already lost any interest in finding a job, going to conventions and get-alongs, watching the new Star Trek or Doctor Who series, having plans and projects for the house and everything Alberto owned. These things have no appeal to me anymore, despite I often say the opposite to family and friends.

I feel more dead than alive, sensing that if I was truly dead I'd be better off. At least I'd sleep!

And I'll be with Alberto again!