Fear

In starting my therapy with the psychologist, I experienced fear. Fear of loosing the "us" that was my life with Alberto. Fear of returning to an "I" that was without a future, without hope, without a real focus.
But that's the path that I must endure to find "myself".
Or is it?

Wouldn't it be easier to just live this half a life with no other ambition but the one of living the time allotted to me in the best possible way? Is a broken half a life better than a whole non-life?

I just wonder...

Pain

I'm in pain. And not because someone "upgraded" me, although I wish I had the circuit to feel nothing...

Physical pain
After my gallbladder had gone I thought I was not about to have such pain again, and indeed I'm still a bit far from it. But if 0 is feeling great and 10 is  a biliar colic, my neck pain is constantly 3 every moment of my days and nights, with peaks at 7 when I'm spending more than one hour at the computer or I do some housework. Not to mention the pain in my joints now that the temperature is below 28°C. Winter will be hell... and it's already started.

Moral pain
Long past are those days when I was sure I could keep my work, my attitude and my enthusiasm for Star Trek up to Alberto's standards. Everything I touch - whether it's STIC, his office or his legacy - I destroy something. Due to this I feel guilty every second of my life, now.
Long past are also the days when I could face the challenges of every day's life with some confidence - I'm already letting down family and friends, I know I will let myself down if and when I'll find a job again because I lost my ability to focus and deliver.

Emotional pain
This I feel with my every breath. The pain of not sharing my life events with Alberto - from the birth of the little kitten (named Rua, son of stray cat Gattona) to eating blackberries plucked from the bush in the garden,  from the arrival of the new series of Star Trek or the new Doctor Whos to the quiet falling asleep in our bed.
Every single thing I see, hear, experience, is a stab of pain because Alberto is not here seeing, hearing, experiencing it with me.

I wish there was a way to not feel pain... because I fear someday my random thoughts of sleeping forever will not be random anymore and I won't be able to control them.