In starting my therapy with the psychologist, I experienced fear. Fear of loosing the "us" that was my life with Alberto. Fear of returning to an "I" that was without a future, without hope, without a real focus.
But that's the path that I must endure to find "myself".
Or is it?
Wouldn't it be easier to just live this half a life with no other ambition but the one of living the time allotted to me in the best possible way? Is a broken half a life better than a whole non-life?
I just wonder...
Friday, 28 September 2018
Tuesday, 4 September 2018
Pain
I'm in pain. And not because someone "upgraded" me, although I wish I had the circuit to feel nothing...
Physical pain
After my gallbladder had gone I thought I was not about to have such pain again, and indeed I'm still a bit far from it. But if 0 is feeling great and 10 is a biliar colic, my neck pain is constantly 3 every moment of my days and nights, with peaks at 7 when I'm spending more than one hour at the computer or I do some housework. Not to mention the pain in my joints now that the temperature is below 28°C. Winter will be hell... and it's already started.
Moral pain
Long past are those days when I was sure I could keep my work, my attitude and my enthusiasm for Star Trek up to Alberto's standards. Everything I touch - whether it's STIC, his office or his legacy - I destroy something. Due to this I feel guilty every second of my life, now.
Long past are also the days when I could face the challenges of every day's life with some confidence - I'm already letting down family and friends, I know I will let myself down if and when I'll find a job again because I lost my ability to focus and deliver.
Emotional pain
This I feel with my every breath. The pain of not sharing my life events with Alberto - from the birth of the little kitten (named Rua, son of stray cat Gattona) to eating blackberries plucked from the bush in the garden, from the arrival of the new series of Star Trek or the new Doctor Whos to the quiet falling asleep in our bed.
Every single thing I see, hear, experience, is a stab of pain because Alberto is not here seeing, hearing, experiencing it with me.
I wish there was a way to not feel pain... because I fear someday my random thoughts of sleeping forever will not be random anymore and I won't be able to control them.
Friday, 24 August 2018
"Bimonthly" shame
Settembre, Gennaio, Marzo, Maggio, Agosto, Settembre, Novembre, Gennaio, Marzo, Giugno, Agosto (doppio), Novembre, Febbraio, Aprile/Maggio, Settembre/Ottobre...
I still feel ashamed, although the last two are not up to me anymore. I gave up so that I could not feel ashamed and guilty anymore, why these feelings still surface?!
I still feel ashamed, although the last two are not up to me anymore. I gave up so that I could not feel ashamed and guilty anymore, why these feelings still surface?!
Sunday, 5 August 2018
Tears...
... are drops of a life gone, or a life that should have been!
Tears are those pouring from my eyes in these days.
After so many times I had to endure Star Trek without Alberto, this I'm not sure I will endure at all!
Into Darkness...
TNG Remastered...
The Roddenberry Vaults...
Star Trek Beyond...
Tears are those pouring from my eyes in these days.
After so many times I had to endure Star Trek without Alberto, this I'm not sure I will endure at all!
Into Darkness...
TNG Remastered...
The Roddenberry Vaults...
Star Trek Beyond...
Star Trek Discovery...
And now...
A new series about our beloved Captain Picard?! More than ever how I wish you were here, my lost love Alberto.
You would have cheered, and my "crying" would have been for joy, without tears.
Saturday, 4 August 2018
Silence
Five years ago silence was my enemy. The house was too silent after being full of life and happiness.
Now silence is my best friend.
It allows my mind to "hear" the sounds I lost...
A mobile ringing...
The buzz of computers...
The clicking of a keyboard...
A show on TV...
...
His voice...
A murmur...
The click of a kiss...
His breathing...
The click of his heart...
Now silence is my best friend.
It allows my mind to "hear" the sounds I lost...
A mobile ringing...
The buzz of computers...
The clicking of a keyboard...
A show on TV...
...
His voice...
A murmur...
The click of a kiss...
His breathing...
The click of his heart...
Thursday, 8 February 2018
Mezza vita e un pezzetto in meno
Non ho divulgato a tutti la mia situazione fisica degli ultimi mesi, forse per non esagerare visto che vi aggiorno sulla mia situazione mentale sempre peggiore.
Stavolta però lo faccio perché i prossimi giorni vedranno un piccolo pezzo di me sparire per sempre... e per fortuna!!!
Cercherò di essere breve.
Fin dal 2011 ho sofferto di calcoli alla cistifellea. Piccolissime pietruzze che ogni tanto mi davano qualche fastidio. Niente di preoccupante, nessuna terapia da fare, solo una dieta il più possibile povera di grassi. E chi mi conosce sa che negli ultimi anni si contano sulla punta delle dita di una mano le volte che mi sono "strafogata"!
Dallo scorso luglio invece, questi calcolini, che sono diventati calcoloni (il più grande è di 1,6 cm) hanno causato delle terribili coliti, tanto frequenti e tanto dolorose che ho faticato a portare a termine quei pochi lavori che sono capitati giusto d'estate!
Al tutto si è unita la scoperta di una gastrite cronica, causata principalmente dallo stress. Da agosto sono stata sotto cura e a dieta stretta: e quando dico stretta intendo colazione leggera con tè deteneiato (bleah!) e qualche fetta biscottata, uno spuntino con crakers e una fettina di formaggio stagionato o una fetta di speck o bresaola e una cena con pasta in bianco condita con omogeneizzato, il tutto intervallato da "snack" di mousse di frutta cotta.
Non è servito a niente...
Quindi...
Via il dente, via il dolore! Ovvero: colecistectomia arrivo!!!
Il 29 gennaio visita dal chirurgo, oggi visita dall'anestesista, fra una o due settimane l'operazione. Chi mi ha seguito via Twitter ha avuto già qualche indizio, ora avete la storia completa.
Da parte mia non vedo l'ora di poter entrare all'Ospedale di Latisana (in cui mi sono sempre trovata benissimo e secondo la mia personale esperienza ha l'organizzazione e il personale migliore della mia zona), farmi curare e "coccolare" per due o tre giorni staccata dal mondo, e uscire con un pezzetto in meno e magari quella pietruzza malefica come souvenir!
(For my English readers)
Half a life without a little piece of me
I haven't told everyone about my recent physical situation, perhaps not to exaggerate - I already bug you with my worsening mental situation!
But this time I do it because in the next few days a little piece of me will be gone forever ... fortunately!
I'll try to be brief!
Since 2011 I have suffered from gallbladder stones. Very small pebbles that sometimes bothered me. Nothing to be really worry about, no therapy to take, just a diet as low in fat as possible. Those who knows me have noticed that in recent years there have been very, very few times when I really ate so much to be so stuffed I could not move!
Since last July, however, those small pebbles have become big stones (the largest is 1.6 cm) and caused to me terrible colitis, so frequent and so painful that I struggled to complete those few jobs that I had to do during last summer!
Add to this a chronic gastritis, caused mainly by stress and you have the complete picture. Since August I have been following a strict diet regine - and when I say strict, I mean a light breakfast with decaf tea (bleah!) with some rusks, a snack with crakers and a slice of aged cheese or a slice of speck or bresaola, and a dinner with pasta with a... homogenized meat sauce. And during the day some "snacks" of cooked fruit mousse.
No results...
So...
No muss, no fuss! That is: cholecystectomy here I go!!!
On January 29 I've been seen by the surgeon, today by the anesthetist, in about one or two weeks I'll go into surgery. Those who follow me via Twitter already had some clues, now you have the complete story.
For my part I can not wait to to be admitted to the Hospital in Latisana (where I have always found myself very comfortable and which, to my personal experience, has the best organization and staff in my area), to be treated and "pampered" for two or three days, detached from the world. And once dismissed I'll have a missing piece of my body and maybe that evil stone as a souvenir!
Stavolta però lo faccio perché i prossimi giorni vedranno un piccolo pezzo di me sparire per sempre... e per fortuna!!!
Cercherò di essere breve.
Fin dal 2011 ho sofferto di calcoli alla cistifellea. Piccolissime pietruzze che ogni tanto mi davano qualche fastidio. Niente di preoccupante, nessuna terapia da fare, solo una dieta il più possibile povera di grassi. E chi mi conosce sa che negli ultimi anni si contano sulla punta delle dita di una mano le volte che mi sono "strafogata"!
Dallo scorso luglio invece, questi calcolini, che sono diventati calcoloni (il più grande è di 1,6 cm) hanno causato delle terribili coliti, tanto frequenti e tanto dolorose che ho faticato a portare a termine quei pochi lavori che sono capitati giusto d'estate!
Al tutto si è unita la scoperta di una gastrite cronica, causata principalmente dallo stress. Da agosto sono stata sotto cura e a dieta stretta: e quando dico stretta intendo colazione leggera con tè deteneiato (bleah!) e qualche fetta biscottata, uno spuntino con crakers e una fettina di formaggio stagionato o una fetta di speck o bresaola e una cena con pasta in bianco condita con omogeneizzato, il tutto intervallato da "snack" di mousse di frutta cotta.
Non è servito a niente...
Quindi...
Via il dente, via il dolore! Ovvero: colecistectomia arrivo!!!
Il 29 gennaio visita dal chirurgo, oggi visita dall'anestesista, fra una o due settimane l'operazione. Chi mi ha seguito via Twitter ha avuto già qualche indizio, ora avete la storia completa.
Da parte mia non vedo l'ora di poter entrare all'Ospedale di Latisana (in cui mi sono sempre trovata benissimo e secondo la mia personale esperienza ha l'organizzazione e il personale migliore della mia zona), farmi curare e "coccolare" per due o tre giorni staccata dal mondo, e uscire con un pezzetto in meno e magari quella pietruzza malefica come souvenir!
(For my English readers)
Half a life without a little piece of me
I haven't told everyone about my recent physical situation, perhaps not to exaggerate - I already bug you with my worsening mental situation!
But this time I do it because in the next few days a little piece of me will be gone forever ... fortunately!
I'll try to be brief!
Since 2011 I have suffered from gallbladder stones. Very small pebbles that sometimes bothered me. Nothing to be really worry about, no therapy to take, just a diet as low in fat as possible. Those who knows me have noticed that in recent years there have been very, very few times when I really ate so much to be so stuffed I could not move!
Since last July, however, those small pebbles have become big stones (the largest is 1.6 cm) and caused to me terrible colitis, so frequent and so painful that I struggled to complete those few jobs that I had to do during last summer!
Add to this a chronic gastritis, caused mainly by stress and you have the complete picture. Since August I have been following a strict diet regine - and when I say strict, I mean a light breakfast with decaf tea (bleah!) with some rusks, a snack with crakers and a slice of aged cheese or a slice of speck or bresaola, and a dinner with pasta with a... homogenized meat sauce. And during the day some "snacks" of cooked fruit mousse.
No results...
So...
No muss, no fuss! That is: cholecystectomy here I go!!!
On January 29 I've been seen by the surgeon, today by the anesthetist, in about one or two weeks I'll go into surgery. Those who follow me via Twitter already had some clues, now you have the complete story.
For my part I can not wait to to be admitted to the Hospital in Latisana (where I have always found myself very comfortable and which, to my personal experience, has the best organization and staff in my area), to be treated and "pampered" for two or three days, detached from the world. And once dismissed I'll have a missing piece of my body and maybe that evil stone as a souvenir!
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