A first officer at heart

The more time passes the more I know how my mind functions. I guess it's true for everybody, and I surmised as much even when my life was full, but now I am a hundred per cent certain: I am not a captain, I never was and never will be.
I am a first officer.
A very specific first officer, Alberto's first officer!

If I truly was "a" first officer, I would manage to function within any chain of command, following procedures and orders issued by any commanding officer above me. But I am "his" first officer, thus I need his orders to do my job at my best. I need his guidance, his suggestions, his moral leadership, his approval and since I can't have it... I fail in my duties again and again!

Since I was forced to take his place in command I've found extremely stressful to manage other people's work the way I did before. I seem to not be able to talk our officers into doing what's necessary to keep the course laid in by Alberto. I don't have the necessary energy and steadiness to keep the ranks closed anymore!
And yet... I have to. I can't let his legacy fade away for my incompetence.

Once and again I feel like Riker in TNG, except that I fear I'll never be ready to takle on a Titan on my own. And pardon me if this reference will be missed by many!