Nedda has finally been admitted to her new home, a nursing home where she will be in better hands than mine. Although I'm a bit sad that we had come to this, I'm sure she'll be cared for by nurses and doctors who know exactly what she needs.
Now I'm back in control of my own time. I can live this half-life of mine according to my own rhythm. I just need to understand what's my rhythm, because I lived so many years following my mum's needs that I really don't know what I need.
But, no... this is not what I'm scared of.
I'm in a house that from now on will have only me and my cats as inhabitants. The silence will not be broken and I'll be busy downsizing, giving away (or selling, hopefully) all the stuff I don't use - from kitchenware to clothes, from shoes to knick-knacks.
And no, I'm not at all scared to stay home alone. I'm fine with being on my own, indeed I'm looking forward to it.
I feel lonely only when I think that Alberto is not with me (alas... I think about it all the time).
I'll have time, now, to go back to work.
And that's what I'm scared of!
Provided that I will not be self-employed anymore (I'm done with that!) there are several things that scares me.
First of all my abilities as DTP or graphic designer are at least 6 years old, which means I have been out of touch technologically and as far as today's demands are. I can't compete with younger people who can prepare graphics for multiple medias and platforms. I'm good just for printed materials.
And even if I consider myself very good in English (it's become my second language), I know I'm not fast enough for the kind of world we live in, not anymore. And I lost all contacts I had, so it will be difficult to find any job.
I'll try and find some jobs outside my expertise, of course. I'm ready to do any kind of job, from cleaning to dog-sitting, but I'm afraid my body will not cope easily with it. At least not in winter, when I suffer daily from joints and neck pain. Also, after I had Covid, I feel fatigued every day all day long.
I will apply to have Italian "citizenship income", but I feel I'll be a parasite if I receive it. And before you say anything... I know I'm entitled to it, but feelings are not logical and I'll feel a parasite nonetheless.
But I cannot do it otherwise - I have to survive.
Bottom line is... being home alone is fine. Looking for a job is not.
