I may have already written what I'm about to write - but that would only mean that nothing has changed.
Every day I write down a list of things that I'd wanted to do with Alberto, things that I cannot do anymore since his death. The list is so long that I'm thinking of stopping writing it!
Because everything I'm doing I would have wanted to do with him - personal moments, mundane things, hobbies, parties, conventions, travels...
The problem is not just that I am alone in "enjoying" those things, but I am excruciatingly aware that Alberto cannot enjoy them as well. He lost so many occasions of feeling happy or moved or satisfied...
Alberto lost nine hundred ninety nine days of "our" life together!
Forgive me if I will be refusing to watch a movie with you, or if the only TV series I follow are the ones I feel "responsible" for (Star Trek and Doctor Who, because I have to think about you, the children we never had). Forgive me if I stopped reading books, or taking photographs. Forgive me if sometime my smile will not be true, but every day is a day that I have to endure and sometime this is a heavy burden to carry.
I wish I could go back nine hundred and ninety nine days in the past. And tomorrow I will wish I could go back one thousand days...
