Sunny but freezing

It's July, but the weather seems to be stuck in April. Sun is shining again after days of uncertain rain but the temperature is still mild. 

I feel like going out and basking in the sun, but as I open the window a light, fresh breeze comes in. It feels chilly on my old bones.

So, sun basking is not an option. I would love to have a closed sunroom, but alas I have 12 euro in my bank account, and I don't think I would find a sunroom for that price! 

I truly hope August will bring at least a month of hot, hot, hot sunny days. At least one month before another winter of pain, but I am starting to be a true pessimist and I thus expect just other weeks of mild temperatures and rains. 

Biorhythms

I'm yearning for the moment when I will live with my own timing. When I'll not wake up suddenly because my mother calls me to warn me that my cat is wandering around inside the house. When I'll not try to regain  sleep just to be woken up suddenly by an unrequired phone call.
I yearn to be able to fight my depression on my own term.
But, alas, my pessimist side is telling me that I'll be able to do that only when I'll have no need to wake up again.

Inadequacy and guilt

My mom has an iPad, while I have an Android and I don't understand how an iPad works, and I don't know how to help her when she ask me to fix some bugs. 

Alberto would have known how to fix the bugs, but unfortunately is not here. I feel so inadequate because I'm not smart enough, I'm not smart as Alberto was. 

And I also feel guilty about not being as smart as Alberto was. Not just because I can't help my mum with her iPad, but also, and most importantly, because I'm letting Alberto down - he would have not been proud of me today. 

Depression, as usual

Today is the seventh day that the weather has temperatures above 26°C, ideal for me.

But today I'm so depressed that I have no will to do the many things I have to do.

I know I will feel guilty tomorrow, for not having exploided today's good weather, but... alas, I don't have the strenght, nor physical nor mental, to force myself out of bed.

So... I'll lay dawn all day and let the rest be gone.

After all... who cares? 

A very nice surprise

I cried a couple of hours, tears of joy and pain, then I found the thread of my thoughts and remember a convention on the shores of the Tirreno Sea and an alliance between the Klingon Empire and the Federation...

Thank you for the phone call, Antonio and your friendship. 

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E dopo un paio d'ore di lacrime miste di gioia e dolore, riesco a riprendere il filo dei pensieri e mi ritrovo a ricordare una convention in riva al Tirreno e un patto tra Impero Klingon e Federazione...

Grazie per la telefonata, Antonio, e per la tua amicizia. 

Personal Log, 198706.14 - Excerpt

... and I start from the moment when, once I bought my ticket, I was about to enter the movie theatre. I hear a voice behind me: "I know that insigna!" I turn around anda a guy is smiling staring at the Starfleet Captain symbol I wear on my black basque. "Starfleet, obviously!" I say and so I find out that he is Alberto Lisiero, admiral of the Star Trek Italian Club!! At last!! At last!! My mind exploded: I found the entrance door, I'm about to go in Starfleet! I am not alone anymore!! I take the chance to talk to him, about many things!

I feel privileged

Pardon me if I'll be brutal...

I've told these things before in this sparselly written blog of mine - I'm in a sort of "quarantine" since years now.
- my mum needs my attention 24/7 at home;
- I usually go out just for buying food, medicines or go to the bank or post office;
- I work from home the very few jobs I can find;
- basically I'm living with my mother's social allowance;
- it's been ages since I've hung out with friends regularly.

But... even if my situation has been like this for at least five year and this emergency will postpone the final chapter of my long trial tribulations, I feel highly privileged:
- my house is mine (thanks to my friends and family help), no mortgage, no rent;
- I have a huge private garden where I can go for a walk and two wonderful cats to keep me company;
- I am "officially" unemployed and poor, and although I cannot access any benefit, I have no impelling tax to pay.

But most of all...

Being labelled as "poors" because we have less than 5000 euro in our bank/postal accounts, my mother and me have access to some services:
- volunteers delivery food and medicines at home if we need it;
- my municipality gave us some food for free (flour, milk, canned vegetables, pasta, rise, jams and so on);
- my bills are reduced by a small percentage (not much, but it's welcome anyway).

Alberto always taught me to always see the bright side of things, so even if the Covid-19 pandemic is a terrible, terrible catastrophe, it somehow makes me feel pampered.