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I'm thinking things that I should not think. I will not act on these thoughts, but my mind keeps wondering... 

A message in Italian to STIC-AL members

Ciao a tutti. 

Sarò breve, ma risponderò a tutte le domande che vorrete farmi. Vi prego solo, fin da ora, di avere pazienza: le giornate passano con continue interruzioni e più spesso che no ho a disposizione al massimo mezz'ora per "me" (giorno o notte che sia). 

Ritiro la mia candidatura al Ponte di Comando dello STIC-AL. Non sono più in grado di impegnarmi per il Club. 

Finché dovrò badare a mia mamma (e le auguro ancora molti anni di vita) non potrò pensare ad altro. 

Mi spiace, perché rimettermi in gioco era l'unica spinta a farmi andate avanti, ma tant'è... ora ho responsabilità più grandi a cui pensare. 

E per parafrasare Ilia... le parole "io" e "mio" non hanno più significato nel mio vocabolario.

Grazie a chiunque mi avrebbe votato.

i wish I was there...

... wherever "there" is, providing it's with you, Alberto.

Don'ts and Dos

DON'Ts

Wishing me a happy Christmas and a Happy New Year 

To me it sounds like a mokery, because this is the time of the year when I lost my best half - Alberto. It's like you wished me "Happy All Souls Day".

The fastest this period of the year passes, the best. 

Ask me "how are you"

Tired and depressed. The same as I've been for almost 8 years. This year more than ever. 

Nobody and nothing can "undo" Alberto's death, my mum stroke, the lost of my jobs and all the rest that happened and keeps happening to me. 

Give me presents

I already have many presents that I cannot share with Alberto, and I don't need others. 

If you really want to give me something or comfort me you can... 

DOs

Give me money or useful things

My bank account IBAN will change in 2021, although any money transfer to the old one will be automatically deposited in the new one. 

Here's the new one:

IBAN - IT89 X030 6963 9091 0000 0003 864

And if you don't like to give money as a "present", here's my Amazon's wish list: 

https://www.amazon.it/hz/wishlist/dl/invite/bfNUYzB?ref_=wl_share

Chat and talk about Star Trek or Doctor Who

These fictional universes and their fandoms are probably the only things that can cheer me up. I can talk and debate about them without thinking about my reality and that improves my mood.

Tell me what you wish me to do if I'll be elected among STIC-AL's "bridge officers" 

The club is definitely the only thing that truly keeps me going on. My wish is to transfor the "Admiralty" into a museum of Trek History in Italy and to care for all the STIC-AL members, old and new, because... as I said many times, you are the children Alberto and I never had. And it's time to act like a "mum" again. 

Thank you, to you all. Always. 

Who cares?

Sometimes, often, like today, and ten days ago, and last month...

Sometimes I wonder how can I fight my depression if my "me-time" is non existent. And actually when in my "me-time" I want to do absolutely nothing bit staring at the ceiling or at the sky crying out loud because Alberto is not here with me.

I also often wonder if that kind of "me-time" is indeed my depression, and if I could fight it engaging in diy hobbies, writing, reading, knitting, sewing, socialising, doing home chores, spending time for burocracy and bills, tending to the garden, caring for my mum.

Usually the doubt fades away because I am forced to do some of the thing I mentioned - specifically mum, home, burocracy.

In the end I do what my sense of responsibility calls me to do. But all the time (even when it comes to hobbies) it's not what I want to do (which is... staring and crying).

So here I am, wondering again... But this time with another thought crossing my mind - who cares? I certainly don't. Deep down I feel that all these brooding, all these feelings, my whole life, will (sooner or later) be over and I will stop staring, crying and wondering. 

I am older than I'd like to be

A nice stream of sunny days had been a "cure-all" for my neck pains.

One of my dear friends gave me money to be spent on those little things I've postponed for ages (i.e. new eyeglasses).

I finally found pleasure in reading books again. 

But then... Bad luck struck!

Stomach ache returned, and this time it cannot be gallbladder problems because I have no gallbladder anymore.

And my right hand wrist is starting to suffer the same pains of my left writs (due to a mild arthrosis)... and me being right-handed this time is really annoying!

Finally... heat flashes have worsened - now I have at leaat ten/fifteen per day, lasting over 5 minutes each.

So... Winter is coming, for the weather and for me. 

13 Agosto

Buon compleanno, mio primo, unico e ultimo amore.