Stressed & depressed

Why am I giving up all the little stressing activity that I can, even if I wished to continue? Because I have ongoing stressing things I have no power to avoid!

Alberto is dead, nothing and nobody can bring him back to me. Every joyful moment I live is also a horrific reminder I am alone! This year, 2017, would have been our 30th anniversary together., but he's not with me. To watch the new Star Trek movies and series is like having my half- heart ripped in pieces and stitched up, over and over...

Our money was stolen and I still waiting for it to be returned. And because of this I am in debt with the State. I always hated to own money to anybody, Alberto and I never ever bought something unless we had the whole amout to pay for it.

I have no steady job, no daily routine, no fixed schedule. And I can't work for the same client twice or I'd be obliged to have a VAT number again! If my income goes over 5000 euro per year I'll be fined!

I don't live on my own, I have the responsibility of caring for my mother and those rare times I go out the house I have to contact her every ten minutes or so to avoid her panic attacks. I love her, she let me be the woman I am today. I can't  and I don't want to avoid this responsibility.

Our (Alberto and mine) house is starting to fall apart, and I have no mental or physical strength  to patch it up.

These are things I can't do anything about. These are the things that I face every single second of my half a life, while I am awake and when I'm asleep.  That's why I cannot endure more stress. I feel like a rubber band stretched to its limit and I'm about to snap...

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Perché sto rinunciando volontariamente a tutte le piccole attività che mi stressano, anche se vorrei continuare a farle? La ragione è che ho continui stress che non jo il potere di evitare!

Alberto  è morto e niente e nessuno me lo restituirà. Ogni momento di gioia che vivo è anche un orribile promemoria che sottolinea il mio essere da sola! Quest'anno, il 2017, sarebbe stato il nostro trentesimo anniversario insieme,  ma lui non c'è.  Vedere nuovi film di Star Trek e la nuova serie è come sentirmi il cuore fatto a pezzetti e ricucito ogni volta, in continuazione...

Ci hanno rubato i soldi e sto ancora aspettando di riaverli. E per questo sono in debito con lo Stato. Ho sempre odiato dovere dei soldi a qualcuni, Alberto ed io non abbiamo mai comprato qualcosa se non avevamo tutti i soldi per farlo!

Non ho un lavoro stabile, nessuna routine giornaliera, nessuna scadenza fissa. E non posso lavorare per lo stesso cliente due volte o sarei obbligata a riaprire la Partita IVA! Se i miei introiti superano i 5000 euro l'anno vengo multata.

Non vivo da sola, ho la responsabilità di prendermi cura di mia madre e quelle rare volte che esco di casa devo tenermi in contatto con lei ogni decina di minuti per evitarle attacchi di panico. Le voglio bene, lei mi ha lasciato la libertà di essere la donna che so o oggi. Non posso e non voglio togliermi questa responsabilità.

La nostra casa (di Alberto e mia) comincia a cadere a pezzi, e non ho la forza mentale né fisica di riimtterla a posto.

Queste sono cose su cui non ho alcun potere. Queste sono le cose che affronto ogni singolo secondo della mia mezza vita, sia quando sono sveglia, sia quando dor o. Ecco perché  non posso più avere altri stress. Mi sento come un elastico teso al limite e sto per spezzarmi...

30 years ago...

...our lips touched for the first time. And we bonded forever and beyond.

The last time your lips were cold, but I hope one day soon our souls will start kissing each other again.

Round figures and alternate universes

30 years ago tonight, at 19:30, I was born and I didn't know it. Not back then.
Now I know.

And I know that if Alberto was here, we would be preparing a nice party - only for us or for friends too - to celebrate. Thirty years and 6 of marriage. And since traditionally, the 6th wedding anniversary material is "candy", we would have certainly prepared something very sweet to eat - maybe a huge tray of bomboloni with custard, or a big mille-feuille cake, like the ones Alberto had for his birthday parties!

But, alas, I'm not living in that reality. I live here, in my personal nightmare where my life has gone.

I could be writing about the many things that I didn't like in the past years, months, weeks, days, but that would mean to hurt people I love, to expose friends, and to make my usual and biggest mistake - talk without lying.
I could make a list the many things that happened in these years since I lost my life, I have to remember them in details to tell Alberto when I'll meet him again, but my memory is already forgetting a lot and I'm afraid I will not be able to make the list complete enough.

So I'd rather start a trip...

A trip into another dimension. Into that alternate universe where Alberto still lives. I will be only a visitor, because I don't want to spoil the party to the other Gabriella, the one who's happy, the one who's whole.
I'll watch with my mind's eye, imagining all the wonderful things Alberto and Gabriella will do today. On their happy 10959th day together, trying to forget that in my reality we lived together only 9333 days...

June 14th, 2011
Our wedding 24 years after we first met

Distractions

To be distracted from my nightmare is increasingly difficult. Each day is harder than the day before.
Nothing I do, or say, or watch, or think have lingering effects. As soon as I stop what I'm doing, as soon as chats with friends and family ends, as soon as the movie or episode I'm watching ends... immediately my mind is inundated by this one, huge, terrible nightmare.
The more I strive for distractions, the more my nightmare grows strong. And the worst thing of all is that I know I will never wake up from the nightmare, all my efforts will amount to nothing - Alberto will never live again.

Poche parole...

... poche parole perché queste sono tutto ciò che la mia mente oggi riesce a mettere insieme. Ho passato le ultime ore immersa nella (ri)lettura dei post del blog di Giacomo Pueroni, che ha lasciato il mondo orribile dov'era vissuto negli ultimi tempi per andare... da qualche parte. In un "luogo inesplorato" dal quale non si torna. Lo stesso luogo dov'è Alberto.

Eravamo nati nello stesso anno, noi tre, a distanza di pochi mesi. Prima Giacomo, poi io, poi Alberto. E quando ci incontravamo per i compleanni, invariabilmente io dicevo a Giacomo "Ti ho raggiunto!" e Alberto diceva a noi "Vi ho raggiunto!" come se fosse una piccola gara in cui le posizioni erano quelle che il destino aveva scelto per noi.
Per qualche morbosa emozione, pensavo che per la nostra dipartita il destino ci avrebbe riservato l'opposto: prima Alberto, poi io e poi Giacomo. Ma non è successo così. Io sarò l'ultima, stavolta, a dire "Vi ho raggiunto!"

Prima o poi accadrà, nel frattempo aspettatemi e divertitevi!

For my English speaking readers

Just a few words, because that's the best my mind can do today. I spent the last few hours immersed in reading (again) some posts on Giacomo Pueroni's blog. He left the horrible world where he lived lately to go... somewhere. In an "undiscovered country" from where nobody returns. Where Alberto is too.

We were born in the same year, the three of us, a few months one from the other. First Giacomo, then me, then Alberto. And when we met at our birthdays I invariably told Giacomo "I reached you!" and Alberto told us "I reached you!" as this was a little race where our positions were those the fate had decided for us.
For some morbid feeling, I thought that our way to leave this world fate had in store exactly the opposite: first Alberto, then me and then Giacomo. But it didn't happened. I will be the last this time, to say to you "I reached you!"

Sooner or later it will happen, in the meanwhile wait for me and have fun!

Perfect words...

Let the dishes wait, no need in dusting
No reason to clean the dirty floor
'cause I'm sure it doesn't matter
Now that he has gone away
I have no plans for the future 'cause he's not here today
Let them go to the park and I'll sit alone here in the dark
No joy left in my heart anymore
Let me hold on to my memories

And if I die this way just let it be
I have no plans for the future 'cause he's not here with me
Why should I comb my head when I know I'm not going anywhere
Why should I keep right on giving when I've lost my only reason for living
So go on, just go on and have yourself a ball
I have no plans for the future 'cause he's not here
I have no plans for the future 'cause he's not here at all

Nightmares and dreams

I was looking for something "happy" to say tonight, like many friends encouraged me to do. But happiness is not among my emotions anymore.
I can be contented, satisfied, delighted, but not happy, nor joyful. I am simply not able to force myself to feel happy anymore.
Having fun is not in my chords anymore too. I can enjoy the time with my friends, I can smile and even laugh in spending time together with my family. But fun...
Fun was laughing along with Alberto, and that will never be again.

I was looking for a dream to cultivate for next year, but for four years I’ve not been able to dream. I just daydream the moment when my troubles will end and I will be able to survive without counting every cent I spend... but that is easy. Real dreams escapes me.

When Alberto lived, I had a recurrent nightmare. I dreamed it every two or three months, and it was dreadful – in the nightmare Alberto died. Back then I merely woke up and talked about it with him, and the nightmare faded away in his presence. I never had that nightmare again, of course, because I am living it. Is it possibly this the reason why I don’t dream anymore?
Or is it just confusion?

Confused is one of the many adjective I find perfectly depicting who I am right now, along with uneasy, lonely, upset, guilty, tired. I tried to understand this as well, and the only explanation I found is that I still can’t see me as a “me” and not an “us”. So many times, while speaking, I have to force myself to say “my home”, “my schedule”, “my computer”, “my scooter”...
I still have to find a “me” without Alberto. If the concept even exists.

For these many reasons I can’t be happy in these days, which for me will always be the period of the year that took Alberto away from me. Reasons that have existed for one thousand, four hundred and sixty days!
But starting with the day number one thousand, four hundred and sixty one there will be another, huge reason not to be happy...
2017 would have marked our thirty anniversary together!

I know these are just numbers and there is no logical reason to mark the round figure anniversary with some special celebration, but I have a morbid fascination for this round 30 that will loom over me in 2017. It would have been a wonderful year with Alberto. It will be unbearable for me without him – June, September, October... I dread the moment when I’ll be living those days...

So, I’m sorry if I can’t be happy and hopeful like you, my friends and family, wish for me. The only wish I have for next year is to wake up from my nightmare, like it happened so many times before.
Wishful thinking...