I can be contented, satisfied, delighted, but not happy, nor joyful. I am simply not able to force myself to feel happy anymore.
Having fun is not in my chords anymore too. I can enjoy the time with my friends, I can smile and even laugh in spending time together with my family. But fun...
Fun was laughing along with Alberto, and that will never be again.
I was looking for a dream to cultivate for next year, but for four years I’ve not been able to dream. I just daydream the moment when my troubles will end and I will be able to survive without counting every cent I spend... but that is easy. Real dreams escapes me.
When Alberto lived, I had a recurrent nightmare. I dreamed it every two or three months, and it was dreadful – in the nightmare Alberto died. Back then I merely woke up and talked about it with him, and the nightmare faded away in his presence. I never had that nightmare again, of course, because I am living it. Is it possibly this the reason why I don’t dream anymore?
Or is it just confusion?
Confused is one of the many adjective I find perfectly depicting who I am right now, along with uneasy, lonely, upset, guilty, tired. I tried to understand this as well, and the only explanation I found is that I still can’t see me as a “me” and not an “us”. So many times, while speaking, I have to force myself to say “my home”, “my schedule”, “my computer”, “my scooter”...
I still have to find a “me” without Alberto. If the concept even exists.
For these many reasons I can’t be happy in these days, which for me will always be the period of the year that took Alberto away from me. Reasons that have existed for one thousand, four hundred and sixty days!
But starting with the day number one thousand, four hundred and sixty one there will be another, huge reason not to be happy...
2017 would have marked our thirty anniversary together!
I know these are just numbers and there is no logical reason to mark the round figure anniversary with some special celebration, but I have a morbid fascination for this round 30 that will loom over me in 2017. It would have been a wonderful year with Alberto. It will be unbearable for me without him – June, September, October... I dread the moment when I’ll be living those days...
So, I’m sorry if I can’t be happy and hopeful like you, my friends and family, wish for me. The only wish I have for next year is to wake up from my nightmare, like it happened so many times before.
Wishful thinking...
